Focus on the things that I have done

Seeing as this blog is now 2 years old and I originally started it to make my life better by finally getting things done, a lot of my posts seem to be about the human mind and I seem to focus more on the things that I have NOT done rather than the few things that I HAVE done.

I know I originally did this blog to get all these things done before I turned 30 however I was nowhere near. And that is all I can focus on. How things are so hard. Difficult. All I seem to do is make excuses.

So now I am putting the list up with the things I have actually done (highlighted in red). Not many things. But better than nothing at all.

Pay at least £1500 of my debt off

Start to take driving lessons again

Get a tattoo

Write 5 amazing finished songs

Play somewhere live and play more often

Renew my passport

Register with a dentist

Find a better job

Sit up straight, no slouching

Don't lose too much of my income to gambling

Go abroad

Get a webcam and post some songs on You Tube

Buy a new guitar

Buy a Citizen Eco-drive watch

At least look to finally moving out

Get my violin fixed and start to learn it

Start a new story

Plant a tree-preferably a Maple tree

Start a savings account

Not being fazed when people shout abuse to me on the streets

Get some recordings of my own songs done

Go to watch Manchester United at Old Trafford

Start voluntary work for the NSPCC

Start to go to more gigs/concerts again

Sell something on Ebay

Learn to make an amazing Masala Dhosa (Indian dish)

Learn 30 new songs on my guitar

Get some written word published

Make an effort with every single person in my phonebook

Learn 5 monologues

Number 7. I registered with a dentist.

Believe it or not, I didn't realise that unemployed people like myself get free dental care. All this time I was wondering how I needed to get a job to pay to go and see a dentist and being worried about how much it would cost. When it cost me nothing.

I did a quick search on the internet for local dentists. I saw one near me, called them over the phone expecting to have to wait a few months before I could see one and that the waiting list would be huge. The receptionist said:-

"Can you come in tomorrow?"

And so I went. And then I went the next day too. And then the week after. After quite a bit of work, a filling here and there...and there too, they referred me to another dentist who will have to take a tooth out as it has damaged another tooth etc.

I hadn't been to the dentist for 15 years.

Number 7 is done.

Being 31

Well seeing as I didn't do most of the things on my list before I turned 30, what chance is there of doing them after turning 31? It can either go 2 ways. One being to really go for it and knuckle down and try and do all of them no matter what or the other way can just be to excuses to wait to do them and unfortunately I have done the latter.

I find myself out of a job and things are pretty difficult. I moved away for a while and tried my hand in managing a hotel. It would have been amazing, however the owners were utterly repulsive so I left.

So what now? What does society tell me to do? Force me to do? Am I supposed to have had kids by now? Married? A car? A mortgage? I have none of these things. Does that make me a failure?

Why is it so difficult to get the ball rolling? Why do so many people seem to live life so normally and why is it that they seem to have things falling into place? Why is it that I try so hard to do the right thing, to make something of myself, to be a better person and yet I seem to always end up in the same place.

My father passed away a couple of months ago. Life is too short.

And yet I still can't seem to do anything.

This year has gone by so fast!

It seems crazy that about 18 months ago I made a list of 30 things to to before I was 30. I am 31 in a week!! Not much has changed. DAMN IT NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED.

I just keep procrastinating for some unknown reason. I am never too sure what to actually do. I have done a few things on the list but it became really insignificant. So much so that I haven't posted on here in ages and thought to myself "what is the point in NOT doing something?" I mean, why do people not make their lives better. Why do people choose to just moan about things in their lives and not make things better?

It's like the millions/billions of people around the world who do the lottery-waiting for something that is very highly unlikely to happen, yet always feel slightly disappointed when it actually doesn't happen. Some of those people will blame the fact that their lives can't get better if they don't win the lottery. If they win, they could quit work, buy a bigger house, a better car go on countless holidays and will feel good about themselves. Is this the right way to go? No, unfortunately, it is the only way to go.

Most of the things on my list does require money which means I need to get a job. I have lost 3 jobs in the last 12 months which is just insane considering for most of my life I have worked 2 jobs. Now I haven hardly done things on my list which I should have done ages ago which still need to be done and I need to make my life better. If I can just get a job. That is all I need again to get the ball rolling. First and foremost I need to get a job. I used to take getting work for granted but we live in a different world then 5 years ago. I will keep updating this blog more now.

The new year but the same old shit

This was written last year on the 31st of December 2011 at 11:54pm on my main blog whilst I was in the first hour of my night shift working in a hotel before the shit happened. You have to copy and paste:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/getting-ready-for-new-year.html

The shift was the worst shift in any job I've ever had in my life. Just me and one other person, 450 people in the hotel, half of them gypsies who caused riots in the hotel, the police coming, not doing anything then leaving, fighting in the corridors, people complaining, my bitch of a goblin manager (regular readers would have read about this bitch in previous posts) celebrating her new year after giving herself the night off and only putting 2 members on shift on this particular night when it was full, more fighting in the corridors, the other receptionist constantly vomiting because of all the stress, actually fearing for our lives at a good few points, people coming in the morning shift not knowing what happened, explaining it to them in a duty manager report which is normally half a page but after that night was 8 pages long.

I don't work there anymore.
I have lost 3 jobs in 2012 when the world didn't even end. I was so hoping it would.
I keep ending back at square one. I feel like I am supposed to do something. Like there is a reason that I keep ending back in the same place. Like I am supposed to do something. But what?
The list of things I compiled which I am still very slowly going through? Is that what I have to do before I can finally start moving forward in life? 

Recap

I started this blog a hell of a long time ago hoping to achieve things that a lot of people including myself would see as being quite simple things. It's not as if my list had things such like "climb Mount Everest in an 8 hours and 9 minutes (the fastest time it has been climbed in supposed to be 8 hours and 10 minutes. Or "swim across the Atlantic" (I can't even swim) or get a pet spider (I HATE spiders). Or get a girlfriend (nobody remotely decent likes me and with good reason too).

These are things that are pretty much impossible things for me to do. To accomplish.

The whole point of The List was simply to make my life better. Make me happy. Why do I find it so hard to make myself happy? Why did I do this list 15 months ago in a DESPERATE attempt to feel like I needed some meaning in life and then when it comes down to actually doing things to make my life better. I don't seem to want to? Do I want to be sad forever?? Fuck knows, maybe I do. Either I will make some changes or I will keep working at it and finding new ways to fuck myself over.

Running.....back?

Some people believe in fate. Some people believe in free will. I strongly am starting to believe that free will and fate are tied together. Kind of like, if you think to yourself that you can do WHATEVER you feel like, you have total freedom and whatever decisions you do make, it is fate that you would make those decisions.

In simpler terms, if you were on a path and the path separated into 3 and you could either go left, right, or straight ahead the decision would be yours to make. You could choose whichever way you wanted to go. In that moment in time the choice is yours. It is your own free will choosing which way to go but it can be argued that even though that is the case, it is fate you will go whichever way you do choose. That is what you were meant to do, even though you made the choice....

The rest of this post I will continue on my main blog:-

www.muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com

But I wanted to start this post with it.

I am back from Hull. It lasted 5 weeks. I was thinking how I could start a new life. I could save up money as I was supposedly going to get a 40 hour contract at the hotel I started work at. It was at and free accommodation and free food. That lasted 27 days and on the 28th day, the stinky disgusting fresh off the boat Mrs Singh (who not only gives Indians a bad name, but gives the whole human race a bad name), the owner of the 2 star hotel, after weeks of asking for my contract finally decided to give me one asking me to "just sign here". I thought it was a bit strange "shouldn't I read it first?"

"Just sign it." Naturally I refused and thought it was a bit strange how for ages I kept asking for a contract, I all of a sudden received one that this bitch clearly didn't want me to read. I ended up taking it off her and going to my room. After reading it, it said '16 hours and has to find accommodation'.

What the hell?

So I went back downstairs to ask what the hell was going on as the agreement BEFORE I came from Manchester was that I do 40 hours, have free food and accommodation and in return, make the hotel an AMAZING place for guests to say as it's a pretty shit hotel. Mrs Singh, who I want to add, hadn't changed her clothes for nearly 4 weeks and absolutely STANK said that this would be the new contract. She had taken other members of staff who apparently the government paid her £2225 for employing. The bitch thought that is what she would be getting off for employing me. I challenged her on this and she actually said with her kids in the next room "money is the most important thing in the world". On my first day she actually asked if she would be receiving money from the government and she also asked me to carry on claiming jobseekers allowance and she would pay the difference in the hours I worked. I told her this was fraud and illegal. I probably should have come back to Manchester then. Anyway, after a lot of hard work, after a lot of hints of telling the bitch that she STANK, after numerous times of telling her not to pick her nose, her teeth and her feet and then handle food and ice, I was told that if I didn't sign the contract, I would have to leave. My cheque which wasn't anywhere near the right amount that I was owed wasn't due to clear for another 3 days and I had no money so I couldn't even get a train back to Manchester or stay at another hotel.

 The day before I tries to get advice from citizens advice and also some employment law thing-both being no help whatsoever and also after the bitch tried giving me a piece of paper which said "I have refused to sign the contract" and telling me to sign it and then tried writing another contract which said "if I don't sign the first contract within 2 days then I have to leave the building".

I refused to sign anything which just pissed her off and it was actually my day off so I went to my room again. The bitch then sent the receptionist up to my room on 3 separate occasions trying to get me to sign things. Then while I was asleep, I receive a phone call from the receptionist with "Mrs Singh is wondering if you could do the night shift as nobody is available to do it as (the person) has rang in sick."

I said "Fuck that, she has JUST told me I will be doing only 16 hours and already wants me to do overtime which she didn't pay any of last time?? FUCK THAT".

So the next day after a long argument when she kept trying to get me to sign things, I left, just before calling her a smelly bitch and informing her that she needed a bath in front of a good few amused guests. She already has 2 lawsuits against her. The hotel is in an awful state. She knows NOTHING about how to run a hotel. She cannot speak English properly and she absolutely FUCKING STINKS. She will get what's coming to her-and hopefully some soap and water too.

I had already made quite a few friends there so it was a shame to have to leave-as well as me really liking Hull. It is so nice! Luckily, one of the lovely receptionist let me stay at hers for a few days. And now I am back in Manchester.

The thing is, I was wondering for ages before I left Manchester if I was SUPPOSED to leave. As stated a lot of times before, I feel like life isn't going anywhere and maybe a move away was what I needed to maybe it would-it HAD to work out. If nothing was happening here, then things will happen elsewhere! But they didn't and I am just wondering what to do now.