Wow-it's been nearly 4 months since I posted on here. Such was the shitness of turning 30, I guess I must have just subconsciously tried to forget about all of this. You know, just in case someone says something like:-
"Wait a minute, wasn't this blog supposed to be a list of things to do BEFORE you're 30?? Now you're 30 and a 3rd of the way to being 31 (FUCK) and you're nowhere near completing what you said you were going to do BEFORE you turned 30. Isn't that a bit fucked up??"
Yes.
So here I am now over 100 miles from home working in a hotel in Hull and being a trainee manager. The place is an absolute shit hole and I am part of a new management team that is here to try and make the hotel better. The other 2 members of the management team aren't even here yet and I will be the only one who actually lives at the hotel. The owners of the hotel are Doctors-husband and wife and have no idea how to run a hotel. Just like I wouldn't know how to do spinal surgery. They seem like they are quite fresh off the boat. The main Doc is never here as he is busy in surgeries in Manchester etc and the wife is ALWAYS here. She does not know how to communicate with people. How do I tell her that we are in a hotel and not in a pan masala shop in Delhi? How do I tell her that her personal hygiene is absolutely disgusting?
Hull doesn't really have anything to offer me (Hull rhymes with Dull). It has a nice town centre but nowhere to really socialise. It was strange as I got offered a job close to my home at the same time as when I got offered this job. Why didn't I choose the one closer to home? Because I wanted to run away!
Not that I actually physically did any running at all. I actually got a lift here from a friend. What I mean is that my life wasn't going anywhere:-
http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/it-might-be-strange-question-to-ask.html
So I thought "Well why not give this a go. Leave your friends behind. Leave your home, your life and your chances of those ladies who really don't give a shit about you but 'maybe one day they will' crap behind."
This is it. A fresh start and things surely HAVE to get better. I can do more of my list. Slowly but surely. Will I finally find happiness?? Will I find inner peace?? Will I become an absolute inspiration to other people??
No.
So why is this? Instead of ticking off the things one by one that I originally set out to do, this blog has become more of a self analytical, brain picking, soul searching wonderment of what I have to do to actually feel at ease.
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
Friday, 16 March 2012
Being 30
Everyone who is older than 30 keeps saying to me "It's not that bad is it turning 30."
Everyone who is younger than 30 keeps saying to me "Ooooh, I'll be 30 soon."
I think it is different when by a certain age, you feel like you should have achieved more than you have. I cannot even frigging drive yet and now I don't know when I'll be able to pay for lessons now I have no job.
Some people would say "But driving isn't important. There's enough public transport blah blah blah"
I'm not saying it is important, I am saying that it is something that I should have done a long time ago but I didn't. The same for a lot of things on the list. That was the whole point of it. I always moan about being miserable and how things don't work out but at the same time, sometimes you have to make things work. Or at least try.
I know that things aren't and won't ever be easy. My list isn't like the list in the TV programme My name is Earl. It's not like it's that where it's a comedy and everything bad he has done in his life, he puts right and good things then happen to him. I don't even believe in karma anymore. Not like I used to. I just feel like I have been a huge disappointment and it is just about making myself a better person. I have always thought that this is what everyone should do. Make themselves a better person by doing whatever it is that makes them better.
I have been 30 years old now for a week and that week has gone so fast. Just like the last 10 years of my life. My birthday weekend was pretty amazing. It was a real pick me up after weeks of dreading turning the big 30 but now I am very much back down to reality and really have to focus. I think I always seem to have my head up in the clouds a lot and whilst everyone is making a life for themselves, I seem to be stuck in one place. Not just one place as an environment but also mentally. Why is this?
Everyone who is younger than 30 keeps saying to me "Ooooh, I'll be 30 soon."
I think it is different when by a certain age, you feel like you should have achieved more than you have. I cannot even frigging drive yet and now I don't know when I'll be able to pay for lessons now I have no job.
Some people would say "But driving isn't important. There's enough public transport blah blah blah"
I'm not saying it is important, I am saying that it is something that I should have done a long time ago but I didn't. The same for a lot of things on the list. That was the whole point of it. I always moan about being miserable and how things don't work out but at the same time, sometimes you have to make things work. Or at least try.
I know that things aren't and won't ever be easy. My list isn't like the list in the TV programme My name is Earl. It's not like it's that where it's a comedy and everything bad he has done in his life, he puts right and good things then happen to him. I don't even believe in karma anymore. Not like I used to. I just feel like I have been a huge disappointment and it is just about making myself a better person. I have always thought that this is what everyone should do. Make themselves a better person by doing whatever it is that makes them better.
I have been 30 years old now for a week and that week has gone so fast. Just like the last 10 years of my life. My birthday weekend was pretty amazing. It was a real pick me up after weeks of dreading turning the big 30 but now I am very much back down to reality and really have to focus. I think I always seem to have my head up in the clouds a lot and whilst everyone is making a life for themselves, I seem to be stuck in one place. Not just one place as an environment but also mentally. Why is this?
Thursday, 8 March 2012
I am now 30.
It's so weird as I am pretty much at the same place I was 6 years ago. No job at the moment. Not really too much to look forward to.
I was thinking about how many people I have met during my whole lifetime and there have been a lot. I deleted exactly a total of 60 people from my phone over the past few days. These were people who either I didn't bother with too much or more so THEY didn't bother with me anymore however I just know that if I happened to bump into one of them on the street tomorrow they would say something along the lines of "You still have my number don't you" and I would reply "No I deleted you from my phone" and then they would say "Why did you delete me?"
I am not one to lie or to twist the truth or anything so I would have to say back "Because I could not be arsed with you anymore."
There are a good few people who I have lost touch with somehow who I kept thinking were amazing and meant something to me. But if they truly were amazing then where are they? They all know where I live and have my address and I think that if they really wanted to, then they could get in touch. So even to them as of right now-I cannot be arsed anymore.
I also keep thinking how maybe I need a change of scenery to sort of kick start again and seeing as I am now unemployed, have been looking for jobs in Leicester which is around 100 miles away as I know someone who needs a housemate. I think it will do me good. However getting any kind of job these days is difficult and even more difficult for someone like me it seems to stay in one. It's almost as if I like making things difficult for myself. What a weird way to live life.
It's difficult not to look at what people have achieved in their lives by the time they are 30. Not just people who are actors/musicians/writers or other sort of celebrities but just your average everyday people. It's also difficult not to compare myself to these people and feel disappointed in myself.
When I used to work in a pub and did day shifts, I would always see the regulars who would pretty much just sit there all day time drinking and then going home to sleep it off only to come back the next day to do the same thing. I always wondered to myself when did life get like this for them and why? What makes them want to hide away from the world in a shabby pub? It was because for whatever reasons, they had given up on life.
I know that a lot of people judge a man by his success and what he has achieved. Although in some cases, it is not what he has achieved which should be judged on, but how he copes with his failures and losses. How he deals with life when the cards don't come up his way.
I was thinking about how many people I have met during my whole lifetime and there have been a lot. I deleted exactly a total of 60 people from my phone over the past few days. These were people who either I didn't bother with too much or more so THEY didn't bother with me anymore however I just know that if I happened to bump into one of them on the street tomorrow they would say something along the lines of "You still have my number don't you" and I would reply "No I deleted you from my phone" and then they would say "Why did you delete me?"
I am not one to lie or to twist the truth or anything so I would have to say back "Because I could not be arsed with you anymore."
There are a good few people who I have lost touch with somehow who I kept thinking were amazing and meant something to me. But if they truly were amazing then where are they? They all know where I live and have my address and I think that if they really wanted to, then they could get in touch. So even to them as of right now-I cannot be arsed anymore.
I also keep thinking how maybe I need a change of scenery to sort of kick start again and seeing as I am now unemployed, have been looking for jobs in Leicester which is around 100 miles away as I know someone who needs a housemate. I think it will do me good. However getting any kind of job these days is difficult and even more difficult for someone like me it seems to stay in one. It's almost as if I like making things difficult for myself. What a weird way to live life.
It's difficult not to look at what people have achieved in their lives by the time they are 30. Not just people who are actors/musicians/writers or other sort of celebrities but just your average everyday people. It's also difficult not to compare myself to these people and feel disappointed in myself.
When I used to work in a pub and did day shifts, I would always see the regulars who would pretty much just sit there all day time drinking and then going home to sleep it off only to come back the next day to do the same thing. I always wondered to myself when did life get like this for them and why? What makes them want to hide away from the world in a shabby pub? It was because for whatever reasons, they had given up on life.
I know that a lot of people judge a man by his success and what he has achieved. Although in some cases, it is not what he has achieved which should be judged on, but how he copes with his failures and losses. How he deals with life when the cards don't come up his way.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
What the fuck is stopping me??
It's pretty amazing to think that around 280 days or so ago I started this list and I haven't actually done much on it. Apart from starting to learn 30 songs and apart from getting a new job (Night Receptionist in a hotel) which I have now been fired from as my night manager was a horrendous, conniving, nasty, sick minded, twisted, evil fucking evil goblin. I haven't done much of this list at all and the are really no reasons as to why I haven't. I suppose I had to change my whole sleep pattern which really fucked things up as I didn't see many people or do many things. It was weird but I suppose it isn't really much of an excuse.
Anyway. I am now not working nights, I have seen daylight and people in a normal way. Apart from having a really shit situation with money, I am actually feeling alive again which is a feeling that I haven't had for a long time. It is the 7th of March. 2 minutes into the 7th of March. 2 days to go before I am 30. It is shit. But I guess it's onward and hopefully upwards.
Anyway. I am now not working nights, I have seen daylight and people in a normal way. Apart from having a really shit situation with money, I am actually feeling alive again which is a feeling that I haven't had for a long time. It is the 7th of March. 2 minutes into the 7th of March. 2 days to go before I am 30. It is shit. But I guess it's onward and hopefully upwards.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
30 things to do by the time you are 30
If you notice the slight title change then it is a good thing because it means that you are observant. You will see the difference in the subjects, you will see that the list is completely different (which is fair enough) but also how strange and messed up peoples' minds can actually be. I saw this article written by some guy called Matthew Bell. He seemed excited about the fact that the following day was the 30th birthday of Kate Middleton and he compiled his very own 30 things to do by the time you are 30. From the list, he wrote which ones he'd done and which ones Kate has done. I am going to add myself in it. Article from The Independent on Sunday (8th January 2012). If they have a number 1 next to it, according to Matthew Bell, it means they have done it. (The writing goes funny after I post it but I don't know how to sort it.)
Kate 18/30
Matthew 21/30
Me 10/30
So what have we learnt from this article and about me? Well, we have learnt from the article that the articles' writer seems to be a bit of a jackass. Also, when he plans to do one of the things on his list-he gives himself a point for it. Seeing as I have planned to do my 30 things, should I give myself 30 points for my own list?? Why would you give yourself a mark saying you have done it when you have only planned to do it?? Is he that stupid?? It also seems that if you want to do a lot of things on this list then you either have to have had a silver spoon in your mouth when you were born or at least one shoved up your backside. I am so glad and grateful that I am not like Matthew.
What else have we learnt about me and just stuff in general? That to have a good life, you must be privileged and rich?? No, not at all. To have a good life is about making yourself happy no matter what your situations or circumstances may be. Sometimes, it is just the little things that matter. For example, I would've hated to have inhaled or rave on a Thai beach (is he for real?). Plus I am not even sure what a Grande Cru Classe even is and I really can't be bothered to find out. Some kind of overpriced crappy drink. Who cares?
1 Bungee-jumped in a third world country
Kate- Too sensible for skydiving or abseiling. Went to Chile on her gap year but helped build a
fire station. 0
Matthew- Once tarzaned through a Jamaican jungle on a zip wire. 1 (He gave himself a point for this,
even though bungee-jumping and a zip wire are two different things)
Me- No. I went to India when I was 6 years old. That was the last time I went abroad. No
bungee-jumping was involved. 0
2 Pulled Pints
Kate- Earned £5:25p per hour as a barmaid at Henley regatta. 1
Matthew- Ran a hotel bar in Italy 1
Me- Probably pulled more pints then both of them together. Regardless of how posh or where that
may have been. 1
3 Passed driving test
Kate- Drives a blue Audi A3: Also has a chauffeur. 1
Matthew- Failed theory test once, passed full test 3rd time. 1
Me- Passed my theory test over 2 yeas ago. Never took my practical. Have to redo everything.
What a loser. 0
4 Got a proper job
Kate- Was an accessories buyer for Jigsaw which belonged to friends. 0
Mathew- Served on the delicatessen counter at Waitrose, Abington. 0
Me- Probably had 10 times as many jobs as these two spoilt buffoons put together. Also have
1000 times less money in my bank account than these 2 spoilt buffoons would have in a
bank account that they forgot to have. 1
5 Inhaled
Kate- Never been known to have smoked. 0
Matthew- Can't say. Parents might be reading. 0
Me- Never inhaled anything but air. It has now occurred to me that Matthew is an idiot. 0
6 Been kicked out of a party
Kate- Left Mahiki at 3am, but never forcibly removed. 0
Matthew- Has worked as a gossip columnist. 1
Me- Been kicked out. Not for being drunk. Just for being who I am. 1
7 Had a scrape with the police
Kate- Once mooned out of a boarding school window. 1
Matthew- Charged with dangerous driving, aged 19. Got off with a caution. 1
Me- Stealing batteries from Woolworths when I was 15. (Was out of sheer boredom). 1
8 Bedded a royal
Kate- No baby news yet, though the odds of a birth this year have been slashed to 1/2. 1
Matthew- No gentleman would comment. 0
Me- The closest I was and will ever be to "bedding a royal" was when I stared at Pippa
Middletons' arse for about 5 minutes on television When everyone was raving about it. It
is definitely better than Kates' non-existent one 0
9 Drank a 1982 Grande Cru Classe
Kate- Drank vintage Don Perrignon for 10 years. 1
Matthew- Opened a 1982 Chateau Carbonnieux one birthday. It was corked. 1
Me- Up yours you rich snobs. 0
10 Been to Glastonbury
Kate- Cowes week is more her scene. 0
Matthew- Never got organised in time. 0
Me- No. 0
11 Left home
Kate- Parents bought her a flat in Chelsea, though she moved back to Berkshire when hounded by
the press. 1
Matthew- Never looked back. 1
Me- Never looked forward. Left for 2 weeks and then came back. 0
12 Holidayed in the Caribbean
Kate- Mustique is practically a second home. 1
Matthew- Once sailed past Mustique on a press trip. 1
Me- Again, fuck off you privileged idiots. (Can anyone see a theme here) 0
13 Thrown a party for 300
Kate- The wedding was watched by 3 billion. The after-party was for 300. 1
Matthew- Invited 200. 100 turned up. 0
Me- I have about 6 friends. 0
14 Appeared in a national newspaper
Kate- First linked to William in the press in 2002, has endured a decade of media attention. 1
Matthew- Joined the Independent on Sunday 4 years ago. 1
Me- I am not important. 0
15 Fallen in love
Kate- Of course. 1
Matthew- Whatever "in love" means. 0
Me- About 9 years ago. Forgotten what the fuck it is like. 1
16 Fallen out of love
Kate- Of course not. 0
Matthew- Often. 1
Me- Yes, otherwise it would have had to have been suicide. 1
17 Appeared on television
Kate- Gave her first interview to ITVs Tom Bradby in 2002. 1
Back of head visible in news footage of the 2003 anti-war march. 1
Me- No. 0
18 Been on a road trip
Kate- Several safaris in Kenya. 1
Matthew- Crossed The Sahara in a Ford Escort. 1
Me- Can't drive (Yet) and don't have friends with cars who are remotely adventurous. 0
19 Lived abroad
Kate- Lived in Florence for 3 months of her gap year. 1
Matthew- Lived in Paris and Italy. 1
Me- No. Never. Read number 11. 0
20 Had pretentious arguments about philosophy until the small hours
Kate- William did a course in Moral Philosophy so it seems likely. 1
Matthew- It depends on what you mean by Philosophy. 0
Me- Had arguments-still do. Until the small hours-but never pretentious. 0
21 Started a novel
Kate- Not known to have expressed an interest in writing. 0
Matthew- At least three. 1
Me- It's on my list too. The only thing from this shit list which is on mine. But I have started. 1
22 Been in a band
Kate- Great Grandparents were talented musicians though Kate's not know to have expressed an
interest. 0
Matthew- Joined The Minibeasts aged nine. 1
Me- Yes, a couple of bands. 1
23 Taken part in a demonstration because your friends did
Kate- Never been on a demonstration. 0
Matthew- Was in two minds on the Iraq war but marched all the same. 1
Me- Don't really have many friends. 0
24 Joined the scouts
Kate- Became a volunteer scout leader last week, just in the nick of time. 1
Matthew- Er, no. 0
Me- I have things to do in my life. 0
25 Seen New York
Kate- Spent two weeks in 2009 to work with photographer Annie Leibovitz's muse,
Count Nikolai Von Bismarck, learning about abstract photography. 1
Matthew- Once. 1
Me- I planned to go for my 30th. But I have no friends or enough money. 0
26 Bought a house
Kate- Was given a flat in Chelsea, then a palace in Kensington. 0
Matthew- Still a lodger. 0
Me- Even worse than Matthew and still at home. Can someone give me a flat or a palace? 0
27 Attended four weddings and a funeral
Kate- Among the many weddings she has attended are: Hugh Van Cutsem and Rose Astor;
Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly; Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall; her own – but no public
funerals yet. 0
Matthew- Feels like 44 weddings. 0
Me- A funeral last month-a wedding reception before that. I have been to 4 weddings.
Although why this is on this idiots' list just like a lot of the things is beyond me. 1
28 Reinvented yourself
Kate- Once Catherine, then Kate, now back to Catherine. 1
Matthew- Several times. Trying to cut down. 1
Me- Grew a kick-ass beard. Can Kate do that? In saying that-can Matthew?? 1
29 Inherited
Kate- The Middletons' mysterious wealth is partly down to inheritance. 1
Matthew- Inherited a Citroen BX from a grandparent. 1
Me- Never inherited and I would like to keep it that way. How this can be on a list of "Things to
do" doesn't even make sense. To think this idiot writes for The Independent. How? 0
30 Raved on a Thai beach
Kate- Kept it very secret if she has. 0
Matthew- Plans to do likewise. 1
Me- I am so glad that I am nothing like these two. 0
Kate 18/30
Matthew 21/30
Me 10/30
So what have we learnt from this article and about me? Well, we have learnt from the article that the articles' writer seems to be a bit of a jackass. Also, when he plans to do one of the things on his list-he gives himself a point for it. Seeing as I have planned to do my 30 things, should I give myself 30 points for my own list?? Why would you give yourself a mark saying you have done it when you have only planned to do it?? Is he that stupid?? It also seems that if you want to do a lot of things on this list then you either have to have had a silver spoon in your mouth when you were born or at least one shoved up your backside. I am so glad and grateful that I am not like Matthew.
What else have we learnt about me and just stuff in general? That to have a good life, you must be privileged and rich?? No, not at all. To have a good life is about making yourself happy no matter what your situations or circumstances may be. Sometimes, it is just the little things that matter. For example, I would've hated to have inhaled or rave on a Thai beach (is he for real?). Plus I am not even sure what a Grande Cru Classe even is and I really can't be bothered to find out. Some kind of overpriced crappy drink. Who cares?
Anyway, reading this bad article in this otherwise excellent newspaper actually put some things into perspective. That was probably the only good thing about this article.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
UPDATE
Recently, I have been quite ill. I went to the doctors for the first time in over 3 years. I didn't eat or sleep for 4 days straight. the doctor said I "was like the walking dead". Thanks Doc.
Anyway, I have realised that recently, my body has been fucked and my mind had been on another part of the universe, completely lost. Upon this realisation, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to carry on with this list whilst I am 30 rather than just trying to get all the stuff done before 30 (if I get there). It is simply not going to happen otherwise.
I know the whole point of the list was to do all the things before the shitness of me being 30 was reached. But in a way, it'll give me some kind of point in life if I have the list that hasn't yet been done and look forward to doing them.
The last thing I am going to do is keep postponing my list. Back in June, I wasn't able to handle the fact that I haven't achieved much in life. I haven't done enough to make a difference. I am probably miserable for these reasons. I didn't think many things through and wasn't aware at the time that even though everything on the list is doable, some things, I am just not ready to do right now.
So keep reading and I will keep you posted throughout my time of being 29 AND 30.
Anyway, I have realised that recently, my body has been fucked and my mind had been on another part of the universe, completely lost. Upon this realisation, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to carry on with this list whilst I am 30 rather than just trying to get all the stuff done before 30 (if I get there). It is simply not going to happen otherwise.
I know the whole point of the list was to do all the things before the shitness of me being 30 was reached. But in a way, it'll give me some kind of point in life if I have the list that hasn't yet been done and look forward to doing them.
The last thing I am going to do is keep postponing my list. Back in June, I wasn't able to handle the fact that I haven't achieved much in life. I haven't done enough to make a difference. I am probably miserable for these reasons. I didn't think many things through and wasn't aware at the time that even though everything on the list is doable, some things, I am just not ready to do right now.
So keep reading and I will keep you posted throughout my time of being 29 AND 30.
Monday, 14 November 2011
Over 5 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would never even try to get in touch with a certain someone until I sorted myself out. Until I could look her in the eye and not be ashamed of who I was.
Over 5 years ago.
Unfortunately, if I were to meet up with her right now, I would be feeling the exact same way. Actually no. This is 5 years later, which makes it a lot worse. Over 5 years of not really achieving anything.
I wasn't planning to sort myself out and then track her down (which can easily be done on the internet-stalkers can have a field day, not that I am one. Remember I don't have a Facebook or any of that crap), woo her and then live happily ever after. I know life isn't a fairytale. I just wanted to be something like "This is me now. A lot better. Look at me" kind of thing.
I went to yet another wedding reception recently. The absolute normality of the whole event made me feel so strange. Everyone now seems to be having babies and getting married etc and I can't help but feel like I'm just becoming really insignificant to everyone. I know that as you get older-not that I think that I am old- but as you get older, the significance of your existence seems to get lesser and lesser. Unless you have someone who you are in love with maybe. But then in saying that-that person doesn't need you really to live. All a person needs to live is food and good health.
The reason I created this list I have already stated. What I haven't got into much is why most of the stuff on the list I haven't done already.
Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I'm 20. I feel like I have to go to college and to be doing what I love doing. I feel like going out all night and not caring about anything but girls and alcohol. I feel like ringing some of the amazing people that I had in my life at the time, talking about stuff-anything and even though I was miserable half the time, it wasn't misery that would keep me from wanting to carry on bothering with life. It was a beautiful kind of misery where there was still a good side to life which I believed in back then. I went through a stage a few months ago of trying to remember what kind of music I was listening to at the time, what I was reading, how my behaviour and actions were just so I could try and get back into that mentality. Not that by any stretch of the imagination was I a great person, I just wasn't constantly feeling empty back then. I felt that there was a point.
Damn it I really want to feel like there is a point.
Society really does have a way of fucking up your mind and making you live a life that seems like the way it should be lived. Marriage, babies etc. I really don't even know if I ever want all that.
I know for me, right now and for a good few years now, I would love to just completely leave my clothes, possesions (apart from my musical instruments) behind, shave all my hair off and run away and then live in a place totally secluded from everyone and everything. I would regrow my hair and regrow it long. I want to live in a place where I have a recording studio and lots of writing materials. All I would do is write/record music and write books. It doesn't matter if people never hear my music or read any of my books. They are there. I would have food and toiletries delievered to me once every 6 months by a beautiful sexy female who would be the only person I ever see. She would stay the night and leave the next morning. She would be sworn to secrecy about my whereabouts and would be the only one who knows about me as my existence really does become even more insignificant apart from those nights where she would come to visit me and see to my needs. I would sleep in the day and write through the night. Maybe have a radio which apart from the female delivary woman would be the closest I ever come to another human being. I wouldn't have news channels. Just music. Always music. I would go mad for 5 months and make myself sane again for the 6 monthly visit. In some ways she would also have to be kind of mad to want to do it. I would have no family or friends. No words of comfort which I don't get anyway. I would create my own beautiful prison for myself only at least I would be doing what I want to be doing without the world fucking me up. It would be a prison that I have at least made-not one that I have become trapped in. Just like we all end up doing.
Over 5 years ago.
Unfortunately, if I were to meet up with her right now, I would be feeling the exact same way. Actually no. This is 5 years later, which makes it a lot worse. Over 5 years of not really achieving anything.
I wasn't planning to sort myself out and then track her down (which can easily be done on the internet-stalkers can have a field day, not that I am one. Remember I don't have a Facebook or any of that crap), woo her and then live happily ever after. I know life isn't a fairytale. I just wanted to be something like "This is me now. A lot better. Look at me" kind of thing.
I went to yet another wedding reception recently. The absolute normality of the whole event made me feel so strange. Everyone now seems to be having babies and getting married etc and I can't help but feel like I'm just becoming really insignificant to everyone. I know that as you get older-not that I think that I am old- but as you get older, the significance of your existence seems to get lesser and lesser. Unless you have someone who you are in love with maybe. But then in saying that-that person doesn't need you really to live. All a person needs to live is food and good health.
The reason I created this list I have already stated. What I haven't got into much is why most of the stuff on the list I haven't done already.
Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I'm 20. I feel like I have to go to college and to be doing what I love doing. I feel like going out all night and not caring about anything but girls and alcohol. I feel like ringing some of the amazing people that I had in my life at the time, talking about stuff-anything and even though I was miserable half the time, it wasn't misery that would keep me from wanting to carry on bothering with life. It was a beautiful kind of misery where there was still a good side to life which I believed in back then. I went through a stage a few months ago of trying to remember what kind of music I was listening to at the time, what I was reading, how my behaviour and actions were just so I could try and get back into that mentality. Not that by any stretch of the imagination was I a great person, I just wasn't constantly feeling empty back then. I felt that there was a point.
Damn it I really want to feel like there is a point.
Society really does have a way of fucking up your mind and making you live a life that seems like the way it should be lived. Marriage, babies etc. I really don't even know if I ever want all that.
I know for me, right now and for a good few years now, I would love to just completely leave my clothes, possesions (apart from my musical instruments) behind, shave all my hair off and run away and then live in a place totally secluded from everyone and everything. I would regrow my hair and regrow it long. I want to live in a place where I have a recording studio and lots of writing materials. All I would do is write/record music and write books. It doesn't matter if people never hear my music or read any of my books. They are there. I would have food and toiletries delievered to me once every 6 months by a beautiful sexy female who would be the only person I ever see. She would stay the night and leave the next morning. She would be sworn to secrecy about my whereabouts and would be the only one who knows about me as my existence really does become even more insignificant apart from those nights where she would come to visit me and see to my needs. I would sleep in the day and write through the night. Maybe have a radio which apart from the female delivary woman would be the closest I ever come to another human being. I wouldn't have news channels. Just music. Always music. I would go mad for 5 months and make myself sane again for the 6 monthly visit. In some ways she would also have to be kind of mad to want to do it. I would have no family or friends. No words of comfort which I don't get anyway. I would create my own beautiful prison for myself only at least I would be doing what I want to be doing without the world fucking me up. It would be a prison that I have at least made-not one that I have become trapped in. Just like we all end up doing.
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