Recently, I have been quite ill. I went to the doctors for the first time in over 3 years. I didn't eat or sleep for 4 days straight. the doctor said I "was like the walking dead". Thanks Doc.
Anyway, I have realised that recently, my body has been fucked and my mind had been on another part of the universe, completely lost. Upon this realisation, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to carry on with this list whilst I am 30 rather than just trying to get all the stuff done before 30 (if I get there). It is simply not going to happen otherwise.
I know the whole point of the list was to do all the things before the shitness of me being 30 was reached. But in a way, it'll give me some kind of point in life if I have the list that hasn't yet been done and look forward to doing them.
The last thing I am going to do is keep postponing my list. Back in June, I wasn't able to handle the fact that I haven't achieved much in life. I haven't done enough to make a difference. I am probably miserable for these reasons. I didn't think many things through and wasn't aware at the time that even though everything on the list is doable, some things, I am just not ready to do right now.
So keep reading and I will keep you posted throughout my time of being 29 AND 30.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Monday, 14 November 2011
Over 5 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would never even try to get in touch with a certain someone until I sorted myself out. Until I could look her in the eye and not be ashamed of who I was.
Over 5 years ago.
Unfortunately, if I were to meet up with her right now, I would be feeling the exact same way. Actually no. This is 5 years later, which makes it a lot worse. Over 5 years of not really achieving anything.
I wasn't planning to sort myself out and then track her down (which can easily be done on the internet-stalkers can have a field day, not that I am one. Remember I don't have a Facebook or any of that crap), woo her and then live happily ever after. I know life isn't a fairytale. I just wanted to be something like "This is me now. A lot better. Look at me" kind of thing.
I went to yet another wedding reception recently. The absolute normality of the whole event made me feel so strange. Everyone now seems to be having babies and getting married etc and I can't help but feel like I'm just becoming really insignificant to everyone. I know that as you get older-not that I think that I am old- but as you get older, the significance of your existence seems to get lesser and lesser. Unless you have someone who you are in love with maybe. But then in saying that-that person doesn't need you really to live. All a person needs to live is food and good health.
The reason I created this list I have already stated. What I haven't got into much is why most of the stuff on the list I haven't done already.
Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I'm 20. I feel like I have to go to college and to be doing what I love doing. I feel like going out all night and not caring about anything but girls and alcohol. I feel like ringing some of the amazing people that I had in my life at the time, talking about stuff-anything and even though I was miserable half the time, it wasn't misery that would keep me from wanting to carry on bothering with life. It was a beautiful kind of misery where there was still a good side to life which I believed in back then. I went through a stage a few months ago of trying to remember what kind of music I was listening to at the time, what I was reading, how my behaviour and actions were just so I could try and get back into that mentality. Not that by any stretch of the imagination was I a great person, I just wasn't constantly feeling empty back then. I felt that there was a point.
Damn it I really want to feel like there is a point.
Society really does have a way of fucking up your mind and making you live a life that seems like the way it should be lived. Marriage, babies etc. I really don't even know if I ever want all that.
I know for me, right now and for a good few years now, I would love to just completely leave my clothes, possesions (apart from my musical instruments) behind, shave all my hair off and run away and then live in a place totally secluded from everyone and everything. I would regrow my hair and regrow it long. I want to live in a place where I have a recording studio and lots of writing materials. All I would do is write/record music and write books. It doesn't matter if people never hear my music or read any of my books. They are there. I would have food and toiletries delievered to me once every 6 months by a beautiful sexy female who would be the only person I ever see. She would stay the night and leave the next morning. She would be sworn to secrecy about my whereabouts and would be the only one who knows about me as my existence really does become even more insignificant apart from those nights where she would come to visit me and see to my needs. I would sleep in the day and write through the night. Maybe have a radio which apart from the female delivary woman would be the closest I ever come to another human being. I wouldn't have news channels. Just music. Always music. I would go mad for 5 months and make myself sane again for the 6 monthly visit. In some ways she would also have to be kind of mad to want to do it. I would have no family or friends. No words of comfort which I don't get anyway. I would create my own beautiful prison for myself only at least I would be doing what I want to be doing without the world fucking me up. It would be a prison that I have at least made-not one that I have become trapped in. Just like we all end up doing.
Over 5 years ago.
Unfortunately, if I were to meet up with her right now, I would be feeling the exact same way. Actually no. This is 5 years later, which makes it a lot worse. Over 5 years of not really achieving anything.
I wasn't planning to sort myself out and then track her down (which can easily be done on the internet-stalkers can have a field day, not that I am one. Remember I don't have a Facebook or any of that crap), woo her and then live happily ever after. I know life isn't a fairytale. I just wanted to be something like "This is me now. A lot better. Look at me" kind of thing.
I went to yet another wedding reception recently. The absolute normality of the whole event made me feel so strange. Everyone now seems to be having babies and getting married etc and I can't help but feel like I'm just becoming really insignificant to everyone. I know that as you get older-not that I think that I am old- but as you get older, the significance of your existence seems to get lesser and lesser. Unless you have someone who you are in love with maybe. But then in saying that-that person doesn't need you really to live. All a person needs to live is food and good health.
The reason I created this list I have already stated. What I haven't got into much is why most of the stuff on the list I haven't done already.
Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I'm 20. I feel like I have to go to college and to be doing what I love doing. I feel like going out all night and not caring about anything but girls and alcohol. I feel like ringing some of the amazing people that I had in my life at the time, talking about stuff-anything and even though I was miserable half the time, it wasn't misery that would keep me from wanting to carry on bothering with life. It was a beautiful kind of misery where there was still a good side to life which I believed in back then. I went through a stage a few months ago of trying to remember what kind of music I was listening to at the time, what I was reading, how my behaviour and actions were just so I could try and get back into that mentality. Not that by any stretch of the imagination was I a great person, I just wasn't constantly feeling empty back then. I felt that there was a point.
Damn it I really want to feel like there is a point.
Society really does have a way of fucking up your mind and making you live a life that seems like the way it should be lived. Marriage, babies etc. I really don't even know if I ever want all that.
I know for me, right now and for a good few years now, I would love to just completely leave my clothes, possesions (apart from my musical instruments) behind, shave all my hair off and run away and then live in a place totally secluded from everyone and everything. I would regrow my hair and regrow it long. I want to live in a place where I have a recording studio and lots of writing materials. All I would do is write/record music and write books. It doesn't matter if people never hear my music or read any of my books. They are there. I would have food and toiletries delievered to me once every 6 months by a beautiful sexy female who would be the only person I ever see. She would stay the night and leave the next morning. She would be sworn to secrecy about my whereabouts and would be the only one who knows about me as my existence really does become even more insignificant apart from those nights where she would come to visit me and see to my needs. I would sleep in the day and write through the night. Maybe have a radio which apart from the female delivary woman would be the closest I ever come to another human being. I wouldn't have news channels. Just music. Always music. I would go mad for 5 months and make myself sane again for the 6 monthly visit. In some ways she would also have to be kind of mad to want to do it. I would have no family or friends. No words of comfort which I don't get anyway. I would create my own beautiful prison for myself only at least I would be doing what I want to be doing without the world fucking me up. It would be a prison that I have at least made-not one that I have become trapped in. Just like we all end up doing.
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Number 5
I don't play live much. I always use the excuse of "People get caught up in playing live all the time and don't end up enjoying it as much as they used to." But for me, I rarely play live at all.
Not counting when I'm playing in the garden and the neighbours are watching me, I have only played live once in about 3 years. How ridiculous is that for someone who is supposed to be a musician and love live music?? It's things like this that make me think "What the fuck is wrong with me??"
I'd like to get into the habit of playing once a month I think. I wouldn't want people to get bored of me and I most certainly wouldn't want myself to play just for the sake of it. Once a month and it can still be quite fresh and I could do new/different material in between those times too. I also notice that a lot of the times in local venues when bands are playing who will have their friends go to all of their gigs and then those friends will think that they are really cool as they know the songs and the band. Cool kids?? No, just kids. Get a life. I actually think I'd hate it if someone started to sing along to one of my songs whilst I was playing. It would make me want to throw my guitar at them. Appreciate-yes. Sing-along-no. Constructive crtisism-yes. Being an idiot-no.
Not counting when I'm playing in the garden and the neighbours are watching me, I have only played live once in about 3 years. How ridiculous is that for someone who is supposed to be a musician and love live music?? It's things like this that make me think "What the fuck is wrong with me??"
I'd like to get into the habit of playing once a month I think. I wouldn't want people to get bored of me and I most certainly wouldn't want myself to play just for the sake of it. Once a month and it can still be quite fresh and I could do new/different material in between those times too. I also notice that a lot of the times in local venues when bands are playing who will have their friends go to all of their gigs and then those friends will think that they are really cool as they know the songs and the band. Cool kids?? No, just kids. Get a life. I actually think I'd hate it if someone started to sing along to one of my songs whilst I was playing. It would make me want to throw my guitar at them. Appreciate-yes. Sing-along-no. Constructive crtisism-yes. Being an idiot-no.
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Number 20
Not being fazed when people shout abuse at me.
I suppose that this is one of those mind over matter things. If someone shouts some kind of abuse to you, what do you do? Do you say something back? Ignore it? Be annoyed about it? What?
99% of the time, when someone does shout abuse at me, they aren't on their own. There are always at least 3 of them. You can't really say anything back unless you are willing to get into a fight with the odds not being in your favour. So the best thing you can do is ignore it. However this really isn't as easy as it sounds. You can ignore it, but it might affect your mood during the rest of the day. If it's a one off, it probably wouldn't matter, but when you are constantly getting abused throughout your life, you can't help but question why the fuck people have to behave like this. Twice last week people in groups shouted things at me. I had a bottle top and then on another day, some chewing gum thrown at me.
These kind of things aren't easy to ignore.
I suppose that this is one of those mind over matter things. If someone shouts some kind of abuse to you, what do you do? Do you say something back? Ignore it? Be annoyed about it? What?
99% of the time, when someone does shout abuse at me, they aren't on their own. There are always at least 3 of them. You can't really say anything back unless you are willing to get into a fight with the odds not being in your favour. So the best thing you can do is ignore it. However this really isn't as easy as it sounds. You can ignore it, but it might affect your mood during the rest of the day. If it's a one off, it probably wouldn't matter, but when you are constantly getting abused throughout your life, you can't help but question why the fuck people have to behave like this. Twice last week people in groups shouted things at me. I had a bottle top and then on another day, some chewing gum thrown at me.
These kind of things aren't easy to ignore.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Number 12 and Number 27
I've started posting songs on you tube. Covers. As written in my other blog, apologies to any songs that I might cover that fans of the song might say I killed. I tried my best!
Currently I have posted 4 new songs that I learnt and I am in the process of learning more that I like but can't yet play. So according to Number 27 on my list (learn 30 new songs), I might as well post all the 26 new ones that I learn.
I don't think I'm much of a singer/guitarist or anything! Eep.
http://www.youtube.com/my_videos?feature=mhee
Or type in "Mukesh is singing songs" or "EchoFalls1982"
Currently I have posted 4 new songs that I learnt and I am in the process of learning more that I like but can't yet play. So according to Number 27 on my list (learn 30 new songs), I might as well post all the 26 new ones that I learn.
I don't think I'm much of a singer/guitarist or anything! Eep.
http://www.youtube.com/my_videos?feature=mhee
Or type in "Mukesh is singing songs" or "EchoFalls1982"
Monday, 1 August 2011
Update
I realise that it has nearly been 5 months since I turned 29 and I am nowhere near halfway of going through the list yet. But this doesn't mean to say that I am not in the process of going through it. When I first started the list, I thought that I would just go through it and then when it's the time for my 30th birthday, I would finally feel good and better about myself. I didn't think about any setbacks that may occur during this period of time.
But I am still determined to focus on this list, no matter what happens.
But I am still determined to focus on this list, no matter what happens.
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Number 4
Go to this link http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com/2011/07/inspiration.html
Writing 5 songs that I consider good is more difficult than I thought. I'm not a perfectionist but it's also really difficult for me to be satisfied with things like this.
Writing 5 songs that I consider good is more difficult than I thought. I'm not a perfectionist but it's also really difficult for me to be satisfied with things like this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)