Being 30

Everyone who is older than 30 keeps saying to me "It's not that bad is it turning 30."
Everyone who is younger than 30 keeps saying to me "Ooooh, I'll be 30 soon."

I think it is different when by a certain age, you feel like you should have achieved more than you have. I cannot even frigging drive yet and now I don't know when I'll be able to pay for lessons now I have no job.

Some people would say "But driving isn't important. There's enough public transport blah blah blah"

I'm not saying it is important, I am saying that it is something that I should have done a long time ago but I didn't. The same for a lot of things on the list. That was the whole point of it. I always moan about being miserable and how things don't work out but at the same time, sometimes you have to make things work. Or at least try.

I know that things aren't and won't ever be easy. My list isn't like the list in the TV programme My name is Earl. It's not like it's that where it's a comedy and everything bad he has done in his life, he puts right and good things then happen to him. I don't even believe in karma anymore. Not like I used to. I just feel like I have been a huge disappointment and it is just about making myself a better person. I have always thought that this is what everyone should do. Make themselves a better person by doing whatever it is that makes them better.

I have been 30 years old now for a week and that week has gone so fast. Just like the last 10 years of my life. My birthday weekend was pretty amazing. It was a real pick me up after weeks of dreading turning the big 30 but now I am very much back down to reality and really have to focus. I think I always seem to have my head up in the clouds a lot and whilst everyone is making a life for themselves, I seem to be stuck in one place. Not just one place as an environment but also mentally. Why is this?

I am now 30.

It's so weird as I am pretty much at the same place I was 6 years ago. No job at the moment. Not really too much to look forward to.

I was thinking about how many people I have met during my whole lifetime and there have been a lot. I deleted exactly a total of 60 people from my phone over the past few days. These were people who either I didn't bother with too much or more so THEY didn't bother with me anymore however I just know that if I happened to bump into one of them on the street tomorrow they would say something along the lines of "You still have my number don't you" and I would reply "No I deleted you from my phone" and then they would say "Why did you delete me?"

I am not one to lie or to twist the truth or anything so I would have to say back "Because I could not be arsed with you anymore."

There are a good few people who I have lost touch with somehow who I kept thinking were amazing and meant something to me. But if they truly were amazing then where are they? They all know where I live and have my address and I think that if they really wanted to, then they could get in touch. So even to them as of right now-I cannot be arsed anymore.

I also keep thinking how maybe I need a change of scenery to sort of kick start again and seeing as I am now unemployed, have been looking for jobs in Leicester which is around 100 miles away as I know someone who needs a housemate. I think it will do me good. However getting any kind of job these days is difficult and even more difficult for someone like me it seems to stay in one. It's almost as if I like making things difficult for myself. What a weird way to live life.

It's difficult not to look at what people have achieved in their lives by the time they are 30. Not just people who are actors/musicians/writers or other sort of celebrities but just your average everyday people. It's also difficult not to compare myself to these people and feel disappointed in myself.

When I used to work in a pub and did day shifts, I would always see the regulars who would pretty much just sit there all day time drinking and then going home to sleep it off only to come back the next day to do the same thing. I always wondered to myself when did life get like this for them and why? What makes them want to hide away from the world in a shabby pub? It was because for whatever reasons, they had given up on life.

I know that a lot of people judge a man by his success and what he has achieved. Although in some cases, it is not what he has achieved which should be judged on, but how he copes with his failures and losses. How he deals with life when the cards don't come up his way.

What the fuck is stopping me??

It's pretty amazing to think that around 280 days or so ago I started this list and I haven't actually done much on it. Apart from starting to learn 30 songs and apart from getting a new job (Night Receptionist in a hotel) which I have now been fired from as my night manager was a horrendous, conniving, nasty, sick minded, twisted, evil fucking evil goblin. I haven't done much of this list at all and the are really no reasons as to why I haven't. I suppose I had to change my whole sleep pattern which really fucked things up as I didn't see many people or do many things. It was weird but I suppose it isn't really much of an excuse.

Anyway. I am now not working nights, I have seen daylight and people in a normal way. Apart from having a really shit situation with money, I am actually feeling alive again which is a  feeling that I haven't had for a long time. It is the 7th of March. 2 minutes into the 7th of March. 2 days to go before I am 30. It is shit. But I guess it's onward and hopefully upwards.