The new year but the same old shit

This was written last year on the 31st of December 2011 at 11:54pm on my main blog whilst I was in the first hour of my night shift working in a hotel before the shit happened. You have to copy and paste:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/getting-ready-for-new-year.html

The shift was the worst shift in any job I've ever had in my life. Just me and one other person, 450 people in the hotel, half of them gypsies who caused riots in the hotel, the police coming, not doing anything then leaving, fighting in the corridors, people complaining, my bitch of a goblin manager (regular readers would have read about this bitch in previous posts) celebrating her new year after giving herself the night off and only putting 2 members on shift on this particular night when it was full, more fighting in the corridors, the other receptionist constantly vomiting because of all the stress, actually fearing for our lives at a good few points, people coming in the morning shift not knowing what happened, explaining it to them in a duty manager report which is normally half a page but after that night was 8 pages long.

I don't work there anymore.
I have lost 3 jobs in 2012 when the world didn't even end. I was so hoping it would.
I keep ending back at square one. I feel like I am supposed to do something. Like there is a reason that I keep ending back in the same place. Like I am supposed to do something. But what?
The list of things I compiled which I am still very slowly going through? Is that what I have to do before I can finally start moving forward in life? 

Recap

I started this blog a hell of a long time ago hoping to achieve things that a lot of people including myself would see as being quite simple things. It's not as if my list had things such like "climb Mount Everest in an 8 hours and 9 minutes (the fastest time it has been climbed in supposed to be 8 hours and 10 minutes. Or "swim across the Atlantic" (I can't even swim) or get a pet spider (I HATE spiders). Or get a girlfriend (nobody remotely decent likes me and with good reason too).

These are things that are pretty much impossible things for me to do. To accomplish.

The whole point of The List was simply to make my life better. Make me happy. Why do I find it so hard to make myself happy? Why did I do this list 15 months ago in a DESPERATE attempt to feel like I needed some meaning in life and then when it comes down to actually doing things to make my life better. I don't seem to want to? Do I want to be sad forever?? Fuck knows, maybe I do. Either I will make some changes or I will keep working at it and finding new ways to fuck myself over.

Running.....back?

Some people believe in fate. Some people believe in free will. I strongly am starting to believe that free will and fate are tied together. Kind of like, if you think to yourself that you can do WHATEVER you feel like, you have total freedom and whatever decisions you do make, it is fate that you would make those decisions.

In simpler terms, if you were on a path and the path separated into 3 and you could either go left, right, or straight ahead the decision would be yours to make. You could choose whichever way you wanted to go. In that moment in time the choice is yours. It is your own free will choosing which way to go but it can be argued that even though that is the case, it is fate you will go whichever way you do choose. That is what you were meant to do, even though you made the choice....

The rest of this post I will continue on my main blog:-

www.muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com

But I wanted to start this post with it.

I am back from Hull. It lasted 5 weeks. I was thinking how I could start a new life. I could save up money as I was supposedly going to get a 40 hour contract at the hotel I started work at. It was at and free accommodation and free food. That lasted 27 days and on the 28th day, the stinky disgusting fresh off the boat Mrs Singh (who not only gives Indians a bad name, but gives the whole human race a bad name), the owner of the 2 star hotel, after weeks of asking for my contract finally decided to give me one asking me to "just sign here". I thought it was a bit strange "shouldn't I read it first?"

"Just sign it." Naturally I refused and thought it was a bit strange how for ages I kept asking for a contract, I all of a sudden received one that this bitch clearly didn't want me to read. I ended up taking it off her and going to my room. After reading it, it said '16 hours and has to find accommodation'.

What the hell?

So I went back downstairs to ask what the hell was going on as the agreement BEFORE I came from Manchester was that I do 40 hours, have free food and accommodation and in return, make the hotel an AMAZING place for guests to say as it's a pretty shit hotel. Mrs Singh, who I want to add, hadn't changed her clothes for nearly 4 weeks and absolutely STANK said that this would be the new contract. She had taken other members of staff who apparently the government paid her £2225 for employing. The bitch thought that is what she would be getting off for employing me. I challenged her on this and she actually said with her kids in the next room "money is the most important thing in the world". On my first day she actually asked if she would be receiving money from the government and she also asked me to carry on claiming jobseekers allowance and she would pay the difference in the hours I worked. I told her this was fraud and illegal. I probably should have come back to Manchester then. Anyway, after a lot of hard work, after a lot of hints of telling the bitch that she STANK, after numerous times of telling her not to pick her nose, her teeth and her feet and then handle food and ice, I was told that if I didn't sign the contract, I would have to leave. My cheque which wasn't anywhere near the right amount that I was owed wasn't due to clear for another 3 days and I had no money so I couldn't even get a train back to Manchester or stay at another hotel.

 The day before I tries to get advice from citizens advice and also some employment law thing-both being no help whatsoever and also after the bitch tried giving me a piece of paper which said "I have refused to sign the contract" and telling me to sign it and then tried writing another contract which said "if I don't sign the first contract within 2 days then I have to leave the building".

I refused to sign anything which just pissed her off and it was actually my day off so I went to my room again. The bitch then sent the receptionist up to my room on 3 separate occasions trying to get me to sign things. Then while I was asleep, I receive a phone call from the receptionist with "Mrs Singh is wondering if you could do the night shift as nobody is available to do it as (the person) has rang in sick."

I said "Fuck that, she has JUST told me I will be doing only 16 hours and already wants me to do overtime which she didn't pay any of last time?? FUCK THAT".

So the next day after a long argument when she kept trying to get me to sign things, I left, just before calling her a smelly bitch and informing her that she needed a bath in front of a good few amused guests. She already has 2 lawsuits against her. The hotel is in an awful state. She knows NOTHING about how to run a hotel. She cannot speak English properly and she absolutely FUCKING STINKS. She will get what's coming to her-and hopefully some soap and water too.

I had already made quite a few friends there so it was a shame to have to leave-as well as me really liking Hull. It is so nice! Luckily, one of the lovely receptionist let me stay at hers for a few days. And now I am back in Manchester.

The thing is, I was wondering for ages before I left Manchester if I was SUPPOSED to leave. As stated a lot of times before, I feel like life isn't going anywhere and maybe a move away was what I needed to maybe it would-it HAD to work out. If nothing was happening here, then things will happen elsewhere! But they didn't and I am just wondering what to do now.

Running away-but from what?

Wow-it's been nearly 4 months since I posted on here. Such was the shitness of turning 30, I guess I must have just subconsciously tried to forget about all of this. You know, just in case someone says something like:-

"Wait a minute, wasn't this blog supposed to be a list of things to do BEFORE you're 30?? Now you're 30 and a 3rd of the way to being 31 (FUCK) and you're nowhere near completing what you said you were going to do BEFORE you turned 30. Isn't that a bit fucked up??"

Yes.

So here I am now over 100 miles from home working in a hotel in Hull and being a trainee manager. The place is an absolute shit hole and I am part of a new management team that is here to try and make the hotel better. The other 2 members of the management team aren't even here yet and I will be the only one who actually lives at the hotel. The owners of the hotel are Doctors-husband and wife and have no idea how to run a hotel. Just like I wouldn't know how to do spinal surgery. They seem like they are quite fresh off the boat. The main Doc is never here as he is busy in surgeries in Manchester etc and the wife is ALWAYS here. She does not know how to communicate with people. How do I tell her that we are in a hotel and not in a pan masala shop in Delhi? How do I tell her that her personal hygiene is absolutely disgusting?

Hull doesn't really have anything to offer me (Hull rhymes with Dull). It has a nice town centre but nowhere to really socialise. It was strange as I got offered a job close to my home at the same time as when I got offered this job. Why didn't I choose the one closer to home? Because I wanted to run away!

Not that I actually physically did any running at all. I actually got a lift here from a friend. What I mean is that my life wasn't going anywhere:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/it-might-be-strange-question-to-ask.html

So I thought "Well why not give this a go. Leave your friends behind. Leave your home, your life and your chances of those ladies who really don't give a shit about you but 'maybe one day they will' crap behind."

This is it. A fresh start and things surely HAVE to get better. I can do more of my list. Slowly but surely. Will I finally find happiness?? Will I find inner peace?? Will I become an absolute inspiration to other people??

No.

So why is this? Instead of ticking off the things one by one that I originally set out to do, this blog has become more of a self analytical, brain picking, soul searching wonderment of what I have to do to actually feel at ease.  

Being 30

Everyone who is older than 30 keeps saying to me "It's not that bad is it turning 30."
Everyone who is younger than 30 keeps saying to me "Ooooh, I'll be 30 soon."

I think it is different when by a certain age, you feel like you should have achieved more than you have. I cannot even frigging drive yet and now I don't know when I'll be able to pay for lessons now I have no job.

Some people would say "But driving isn't important. There's enough public transport blah blah blah"

I'm not saying it is important, I am saying that it is something that I should have done a long time ago but I didn't. The same for a lot of things on the list. That was the whole point of it. I always moan about being miserable and how things don't work out but at the same time, sometimes you have to make things work. Or at least try.

I know that things aren't and won't ever be easy. My list isn't like the list in the TV programme My name is Earl. It's not like it's that where it's a comedy and everything bad he has done in his life, he puts right and good things then happen to him. I don't even believe in karma anymore. Not like I used to. I just feel like I have been a huge disappointment and it is just about making myself a better person. I have always thought that this is what everyone should do. Make themselves a better person by doing whatever it is that makes them better.

I have been 30 years old now for a week and that week has gone so fast. Just like the last 10 years of my life. My birthday weekend was pretty amazing. It was a real pick me up after weeks of dreading turning the big 30 but now I am very much back down to reality and really have to focus. I think I always seem to have my head up in the clouds a lot and whilst everyone is making a life for themselves, I seem to be stuck in one place. Not just one place as an environment but also mentally. Why is this?

I am now 30.

It's so weird as I am pretty much at the same place I was 6 years ago. No job at the moment. Not really too much to look forward to.

I was thinking about how many people I have met during my whole lifetime and there have been a lot. I deleted exactly a total of 60 people from my phone over the past few days. These were people who either I didn't bother with too much or more so THEY didn't bother with me anymore however I just know that if I happened to bump into one of them on the street tomorrow they would say something along the lines of "You still have my number don't you" and I would reply "No I deleted you from my phone" and then they would say "Why did you delete me?"

I am not one to lie or to twist the truth or anything so I would have to say back "Because I could not be arsed with you anymore."

There are a good few people who I have lost touch with somehow who I kept thinking were amazing and meant something to me. But if they truly were amazing then where are they? They all know where I live and have my address and I think that if they really wanted to, then they could get in touch. So even to them as of right now-I cannot be arsed anymore.

I also keep thinking how maybe I need a change of scenery to sort of kick start again and seeing as I am now unemployed, have been looking for jobs in Leicester which is around 100 miles away as I know someone who needs a housemate. I think it will do me good. However getting any kind of job these days is difficult and even more difficult for someone like me it seems to stay in one. It's almost as if I like making things difficult for myself. What a weird way to live life.

It's difficult not to look at what people have achieved in their lives by the time they are 30. Not just people who are actors/musicians/writers or other sort of celebrities but just your average everyday people. It's also difficult not to compare myself to these people and feel disappointed in myself.

When I used to work in a pub and did day shifts, I would always see the regulars who would pretty much just sit there all day time drinking and then going home to sleep it off only to come back the next day to do the same thing. I always wondered to myself when did life get like this for them and why? What makes them want to hide away from the world in a shabby pub? It was because for whatever reasons, they had given up on life.

I know that a lot of people judge a man by his success and what he has achieved. Although in some cases, it is not what he has achieved which should be judged on, but how he copes with his failures and losses. How he deals with life when the cards don't come up his way.

What the fuck is stopping me??

It's pretty amazing to think that around 280 days or so ago I started this list and I haven't actually done much on it. Apart from starting to learn 30 songs and apart from getting a new job (Night Receptionist in a hotel) which I have now been fired from as my night manager was a horrendous, conniving, nasty, sick minded, twisted, evil fucking evil goblin. I haven't done much of this list at all and the are really no reasons as to why I haven't. I suppose I had to change my whole sleep pattern which really fucked things up as I didn't see many people or do many things. It was weird but I suppose it isn't really much of an excuse.

Anyway. I am now not working nights, I have seen daylight and people in a normal way. Apart from having a really shit situation with money, I am actually feeling alive again which is a  feeling that I haven't had for a long time. It is the 7th of March. 2 minutes into the 7th of March. 2 days to go before I am 30. It is shit. But I guess it's onward and hopefully upwards.

30 things to do by the time you are 30

If you notice the slight title change then it is a good thing because it means that you are observant. You will see the difference in the subjects, you will see that the list is completely different (which is fair enough) but also how strange and messed up peoples' minds can actually be. I saw this article written by some guy called Matthew Bell. He seemed excited about the fact that the following day was the 30th birthday of Kate Middleton and he compiled his very own 30 things to do by the time you are 30. From the list, he wrote which ones he'd done and which ones Kate has done. I am going to add myself in it. Article from The Independent on Sunday (8th January 2012). If they have a number 1 next to it, according to Matthew Bell, it means they have done it. (The writing goes funny after I post it but I don't know how to sort it.)

1   Bungee-jumped in a third world country

      

      Kate-       Too sensible for skydiving or abseiling. Went to Chile on her gap year but helped build a   

                        fire station. 0

      Matthew- Once tarzaned through a Jamaican jungle on a zip wire. 1 (He gave himself a point for this,

                        even though bungee-jumping and a zip wire are two different things)

      Me-          No. I went to India when I was 6 years old. That was the last time I went abroad. No

                        bungee-jumping was involved. 0

2   Pulled Pints

     Kate-        Earned £5:25p per hour as a barmaid at Henley regatta. 1

     Matthew- Ran a hotel bar in Italy 1

     Me-          Probably pulled more pints then both of them together. Regardless of how posh or where that

                      may have been. 1

3   Passed driving test

    Kate-        Drives a blue Audi A3: Also has a chauffeur. 1

    Matthew- Failed theory test once, passed full test 3rd time. 1

    Me-          Passed my theory test over 2 yeas ago. Never took my practical. Have to redo everything.

                     What a loser. 0

4   Got a proper job

    Kate-       Was an accessories buyer for Jigsaw which belonged to friends. 0

    Mathew-  Served on the delicatessen counter at Waitrose, Abington. 0

    Me-          Probably had 10 times as many jobs as these two spoilt buffoons put together. Also have

                     1000 times less money in my bank account than these 2 spoilt buffoons would have in a

                     bank account that they forgot to have. 1

 5   Inhaled

     Kate-        Never been known to have smoked. 0

     Matthew- Can't say. Parents might be reading. 0

     Me-          Never inhaled anything but air. It has now occurred to me that Matthew is an idiot. 0

6   Been kicked out of a party

    Kate-        Left Mahiki at 3am, but never forcibly removed. 0

    Matthew- Has worked as a gossip columnist. 1

    Me-          Been kicked out. Not for being drunk. Just for being who I am. 1

7    Had a scrape with the police

    Kate-       Once mooned out of a boarding school window. 1

    Matthew- Charged with dangerous driving, aged 19. Got off with a caution. 1

    Me-  Stealing batteries from Woolworths when I was 15. (Was out of sheer boredom). 1

8    Bedded a royal

    Kate-        No baby news yet, though the odds of a birth this year have been slashed to 1/2. 1

    Matthew-  No gentleman would comment. 0

    Me-          The closest I was and will ever be to "bedding a royal" was when I stared at Pippa

                      Middletons' arse for about 5 minutes on television When everyone was raving about it. It 

                      is definitely better than Kates' non-existent one 0

9    Drank a 1982 Grande Cru Classe

     Kate-        Drank vintage Don Perrignon for 10 years. 1

     Matthew- Opened a 1982 Chateau Carbonnieux one birthday. It was corked. 1

     Me-          Up yours you rich snobs. 0

10  Been to Glastonbury

     Kate-       Cowes week is more her scene. 0

     Matthew- Never got organised in time. 0

     Me-          No. 0

11  Left home

     Kate-       Parents bought her a flat in Chelsea, though she moved back to Berkshire when hounded by   

                     the press. 1

     Matthew- Never looked back. 1

     Me-         Never looked forward. Left for 2 weeks and then came back. 0

12   Holidayed in the Caribbean

     Kate-       Mustique is practically a second home. 1

     Matthew- Once sailed past Mustique on a press trip. 1

     Me-          Again, fuck off you privileged idiots. (Can anyone see a theme here) 0

13   Thrown a party for 300

      Kate-        The wedding was watched by 3 billion. The after-party was for 300. 1

      Matthew-  Invited 200. 100 turned up. 0

      Me-           I have about 6 friends. 0

14   Appeared in a national newspaper

      Kate-         First linked to William in the press in 2002, has endured a decade of media attention. 1

      Matthew-  Joined the Independent on Sunday 4 years ago. 1

      Me-           I am not important. 0

15   Fallen in love

      Kate-         Of course. 1

      Matthew-   Whatever "in love" means. 0

      Me-            About 9 years ago. Forgotten what the fuck it is like. 1

16   Fallen out of love 

       Kate-        Of course not. 0

       Matthew-  Often. 1

       Me-           Yes, otherwise it would have had to have been suicide. 1

17   Appeared on television

       Kate-         Gave her first interview to ITVs Tom Bradby in 2002. 1

   Back of head visible in news footage of the 2003 anti-war march. 1

       Me-           No. 0

18   Been on a road trip

       Kate-         Several safaris in Kenya. 1

       Matthew-  Crossed The Sahara in a Ford Escort. 1

       Me-           Can't drive (Yet) and don't have friends with cars who are remotely adventurous. 0

19   Lived abroad

       Kate-         Lived in Florence for 3 months of her gap year. 1

       Matthew-   Lived in Paris and Italy. 1

       Me-            No. Never. Read number 11. 0

20    Had pretentious arguments about philosophy until the small hours

       Kate-         William did a course in Moral Philosophy so it seems likely. 1

       Matthew-   It depends on what you mean by Philosophy. 0

       Me-            Had arguments-still do. Until the small hours-but never pretentious. 0

21   Started a novel

       Kate-        Not known to have expressed an interest in writing. 0

       Matthew- At least three. 1

       Me-          It's on my list too. The only thing from this shit list which is on mine. But I have started. 1

22   Been in a band

       Kate-       Great Grandparents were talented musicians though Kate's not know to have expressed an

                        interest. 0

       Matthew- Joined The Minibeasts aged nine. 1

       Me-          Yes, a couple of bands. 1

23   Taken part in a demonstration because your friends did

       Kate-        Never been on a demonstration. 0

       Matthew- Was in two minds on the Iraq war but marched all the same. 1

       Me-           Don't really have many friends. 0

24   Joined the scouts

       Kate-        Became a volunteer scout leader last week, just in the nick of time. 1

       Matthew- Er, no. 0

       Me-          I have things to do in my life. 0

25   Seen New York

      Kate-          Spent two weeks in 2009 to work with photographer Annie Leibovitz's muse, 

                       Count Nikolai Von Bismarck, learning about abstract photography. 1

      Matthew- Once. 1

      Me-          I planned to go for my 30th. But I have no friends or enough money. 0

26   Bought a house

       Kate-        Was given a flat in Chelsea, then a palace in Kensington. 0

       Matthew- Still a lodger. 0

       Me-          Even worse than Matthew and still at home. Can someone give me a flat or a palace? 0

27   Attended four weddings and a funeral

       Kate-        Among the many weddings she has attended are: Hugh Van Cutsem and Rose Astor; 

                         Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly; Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall; her own – but no public

                         funerals yet. 0

       Matthew- Feels like 44 weddings. 0

       Me-          A funeral last month-a wedding reception before that. I have been to 4 weddings.

                        Although why this is on this idiots' list just like a lot of the things is beyond me. 1

28   Reinvented yourself

       Kate-        Once Catherine, then Kate, now back to Catherine. 1

       Matthew- Several times. Trying to cut down. 1

       Me-          Grew a kick-ass beard. Can Kate do that? In saying that-can Matthew?? 1

29   Inherited

       Kate-        The Middletons' mysterious wealth is partly down to inheritance. 1

       Matthew-  Inherited a Citroen BX from a grandparent. 1

       Me-           Never inherited and I would like to keep it that way. How this can be on a list of "Things to 

                         do" doesn't even make sense. To think this idiot writes for The Independent. How? 0

30   Raved on a Thai beach

       Kate-         Kept it very secret if she has. 0

       Matthew-   Plans to do likewise. 1

       Me-            I am so glad that I am nothing like these two. 0

       Kate        18/30
       Matthew  21/30
       Me          10/30


So what have we learnt from this article and about me? Well, we have learnt from the article that the articles' writer seems to be a bit of a jackass. Also, when he plans to do one of the things on his list-he gives himself a point for it. Seeing as I have planned to do my 30 things, should I give myself 30 points for my own list?? Why would you give yourself a mark saying you have done it when you have only planned to do it?? Is he that stupid?? It also seems that if you want to do a lot of things on this list then you either have to have had a silver spoon in your mouth when you were born or at least one shoved up your backside. I am so glad and grateful that I am not like Matthew.


What else have we learnt about me and just stuff in general? That to have a good life, you must be privileged  and rich?? No, not at all. To have a good life is about making yourself happy no matter what your situations or circumstances may be. Sometimes, it is just the little things that matter. For example, I would've hated to have inhaled or rave on a Thai beach (is he for real?). Plus I am not even sure what a Grande Cru Classe even is and I really can't be bothered to find out. Some kind of overpriced crappy drink. Who cares?

Anyway, reading this bad article in this otherwise excellent newspaper actually put some things into perspective. That was probably the only good thing about this article.