Over 5 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would never even try to get in touch with a certain someone until I sorted myself out. Until I could look her in the eye and not be ashamed of who I was.

Over 5 years ago.

Unfortunately, if I were to meet up with her right now, I would be feeling the exact same way. Actually no. This is 5 years later, which makes it a lot worse. Over 5 years of not really achieving anything.

I wasn't planning to sort myself out and then track her down (which can easily be done on the internet-stalkers can have a field day, not that I am one. Remember I don't have a Facebook or any of that crap), woo her and then live happily ever after. I know life isn't a fairytale. I just wanted to be something like "This is me now. A lot better. Look at me" kind of thing.

I went to yet another wedding reception recently. The absolute normality of the whole event made me feel so strange. Everyone now seems to be having babies and getting married etc and I can't help but feel like I'm just becoming really insignificant to everyone. I know that as you get older-not that I think that I am old- but as you get older, the significance of your existence seems to get lesser and lesser. Unless you have someone who you are in love with maybe. But then in saying that-that person doesn't need you really to live. All a person needs to live is food and good health.

The reason I created this list I have already stated. What I haven't got into much is why most of the stuff on the list I haven't done already.

Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I'm 20. I feel like I have to go to college and to be doing what I love doing. I feel like going out all night and not caring about anything but girls and alcohol. I feel like ringing some of the amazing people that I had in my life at the time, talking about stuff-anything and even though I was miserable half the time, it wasn't misery that would keep me from wanting to carry on bothering with life. It was a beautiful kind of misery where there was still a good side to life which I believed in back then. I went through a stage a few months ago of trying to remember what kind of music I was listening to at the time, what I was reading, how my behaviour and actions were just so I could try and get back into that mentality. Not that by any stretch of the imagination was I a great person, I just wasn't constantly feeling empty back then. I felt that there was a point.

Damn it I really want to feel like there is a point.

Society really does have a way of fucking up your mind and making you live a life that seems like the way it should be lived. Marriage, babies etc. I really don't even know if I ever want all that.

I know for me, right now and for a good few years now, I would love to just completely leave my clothes, possesions (apart from my musical instruments) behind, shave all my hair off and run away and then live in a place totally secluded from everyone and everything. I would regrow my hair and regrow it long. I want to live in a place where I have a recording studio and lots of writing materials. All I would do is write/record music and write books. It doesn't matter if people never hear my music or read any of my books. They are there. I would have food and toiletries delievered to me once every 6 months by a beautiful sexy female who would be the only person I ever see. She would stay the night and leave the next morning. She would be sworn to secrecy about my whereabouts and would be the only one who knows about me as my existence really does become even more insignificant apart from those nights where she would come to visit me and see to my needs. I would sleep in the day and write through the night. Maybe have a radio which apart from the female delivary woman would be the closest I ever come to another human being. I wouldn't have news channels. Just music. Always music. I would go mad for 5 months and make myself sane again for the 6 monthly visit. In some ways she would also have to be kind of mad to want to do it. I would have no family or friends. No words of comfort which I don't get anyway. I would create my own beautiful prison for myself only at least I would be doing what I want to be doing without the world fucking me up. It would be a prison that I have at least made-not one that I have become trapped in. Just like we all end up doing.