UPDATE

Recently, I have been quite ill. I went to the doctors for the first time in over 3 years. I didn't eat or sleep for 4 days straight. the doctor said I "was like the walking dead". Thanks Doc.

Anyway, I have realised that recently, my body has been fucked and my mind had been on another part of the universe, completely lost. Upon this realisation, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to carry on with this list whilst I am 30 rather than just trying to get all the stuff done before 30 (if I get there). It is simply not going to happen otherwise.

I know the whole point of the list was to do all the things before the shitness of me being 30 was reached. But in a way, it'll give me some kind of point in life if I have the list that hasn't yet been done and look forward to doing them.

The last thing I am going to do is keep postponing my list. Back in June, I wasn't able to handle the fact that I haven't achieved much in life. I haven't done enough to make a difference. I am probably miserable for these reasons. I didn't think many things through and wasn't aware at the time that even though everything on the list is doable, some things, I am just not ready to do right now.

So keep reading and I will keep you posted throughout my time of being 29 AND 30.

Over 5 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would never even try to get in touch with a certain someone until I sorted myself out. Until I could look her in the eye and not be ashamed of who I was.

Over 5 years ago.

Unfortunately, if I were to meet up with her right now, I would be feeling the exact same way. Actually no. This is 5 years later, which makes it a lot worse. Over 5 years of not really achieving anything.

I wasn't planning to sort myself out and then track her down (which can easily be done on the internet-stalkers can have a field day, not that I am one. Remember I don't have a Facebook or any of that crap), woo her and then live happily ever after. I know life isn't a fairytale. I just wanted to be something like "This is me now. A lot better. Look at me" kind of thing.

I went to yet another wedding reception recently. The absolute normality of the whole event made me feel so strange. Everyone now seems to be having babies and getting married etc and I can't help but feel like I'm just becoming really insignificant to everyone. I know that as you get older-not that I think that I am old- but as you get older, the significance of your existence seems to get lesser and lesser. Unless you have someone who you are in love with maybe. But then in saying that-that person doesn't need you really to live. All a person needs to live is food and good health.

The reason I created this list I have already stated. What I haven't got into much is why most of the stuff on the list I haven't done already.

Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I'm 20. I feel like I have to go to college and to be doing what I love doing. I feel like going out all night and not caring about anything but girls and alcohol. I feel like ringing some of the amazing people that I had in my life at the time, talking about stuff-anything and even though I was miserable half the time, it wasn't misery that would keep me from wanting to carry on bothering with life. It was a beautiful kind of misery where there was still a good side to life which I believed in back then. I went through a stage a few months ago of trying to remember what kind of music I was listening to at the time, what I was reading, how my behaviour and actions were just so I could try and get back into that mentality. Not that by any stretch of the imagination was I a great person, I just wasn't constantly feeling empty back then. I felt that there was a point.

Damn it I really want to feel like there is a point.

Society really does have a way of fucking up your mind and making you live a life that seems like the way it should be lived. Marriage, babies etc. I really don't even know if I ever want all that.

I know for me, right now and for a good few years now, I would love to just completely leave my clothes, possesions (apart from my musical instruments) behind, shave all my hair off and run away and then live in a place totally secluded from everyone and everything. I would regrow my hair and regrow it long. I want to live in a place where I have a recording studio and lots of writing materials. All I would do is write/record music and write books. It doesn't matter if people never hear my music or read any of my books. They are there. I would have food and toiletries delievered to me once every 6 months by a beautiful sexy female who would be the only person I ever see. She would stay the night and leave the next morning. She would be sworn to secrecy about my whereabouts and would be the only one who knows about me as my existence really does become even more insignificant apart from those nights where she would come to visit me and see to my needs. I would sleep in the day and write through the night. Maybe have a radio which apart from the female delivary woman would be the closest I ever come to another human being. I wouldn't have news channels. Just music. Always music. I would go mad for 5 months and make myself sane again for the 6 monthly visit. In some ways she would also have to be kind of mad to want to do it. I would have no family or friends. No words of comfort which I don't get anyway. I would create my own beautiful prison for myself only at least I would be doing what I want to be doing without the world fucking me up. It would be a prison that I have at least made-not one that I have become trapped in. Just like we all end up doing.

Number 5

I don't play live much. I always use the excuse of "People get caught up in playing live all the time and don't end up enjoying it as much as they used to." But for me, I rarely play live at all.

Not counting when I'm playing in the garden and the neighbours are watching me, I have only played live once in about 3 years. How ridiculous is that for someone who is supposed to be a musician and love live music?? It's things like this that make me think "What the fuck is wrong with me??"

I'd like to get into the habit of playing once a month I think. I wouldn't want people to get bored of me and I most certainly wouldn't want myself to play just for the sake of it. Once a month and it can still be quite fresh and I could do new/different material in between those times too. I also notice that a lot of the times in local venues when bands are playing who will have their friends go to all of their gigs and then those friends will think that they are really cool as they know the songs and the band. Cool kids?? No, just kids. Get a life. I actually think I'd hate it if someone started to sing along to one of my songs whilst I was playing. It would make me want to throw my guitar at them. Appreciate-yes. Sing-along-no. Constructive crtisism-yes. Being an idiot-no.

Number 20

Not being fazed when people shout abuse at me.

I suppose that this is one of those mind over matter things. If someone shouts some kind of abuse to you, what do you do? Do you say something back? Ignore it? Be annoyed about it? What?

99% of the time, when someone does shout abuse at me, they aren't on their own. There are always at least 3 of them. You can't really say anything back unless you are willing to get into a fight with the odds not being in your favour. So the best thing you can do is ignore it. However this really isn't as easy as it sounds. You can ignore it, but it might affect your mood during the rest of the day. If it's a one off, it probably wouldn't matter, but when you are constantly getting abused throughout your life, you can't help but question why the fuck people have to behave like this. Twice last week people in groups shouted things at me. I had a bottle top and then on another day, some chewing gum thrown at me.

These kind of things aren't easy to ignore.

Number 12 and Number 27

I've started posting songs on you tube. Covers. As written in my other blog, apologies to any songs that I might cover that fans of the song might say I killed. I tried my best!

Currently I have posted 4 new songs that I learnt and I am in the process of learning more that I like but can't yet play. So according to Number 27 on my list (learn 30 new songs), I might as well post all the 26 new ones that I learn.

I don't think I'm much of a singer/guitarist or anything! Eep.

http://www.youtube.com/my_videos?feature=mhee

Or type in "Mukesh is singing songs" or "EchoFalls1982"

Update

I realise that it has nearly been 5 months since I turned 29 and I am nowhere near halfway of going through the list yet. But this doesn't mean to say that I am not in the process of going through it. When I first started the list, I thought that I would just go through it and then when it's the time for my 30th birthday, I would finally feel good and better about myself. I didn't think about any setbacks that may occur during this period of time.

But I am still determined to focus on this list, no matter what happens.

Number 4

Go to this link http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com/2011/07/inspiration.html

Writing 5 songs that I consider good is more difficult than I thought. I'm not a perfectionist but it's also really difficult for me to be satisfied with things like this.

Gambling-Number 1, Number 10 and Number 19

With the greatest of respect to my uncle, this is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have ever written.

For the past 7 years or so I have been gambling.  It was amazing when I first started, pretty much after I left college and had a lot more time on my hands I'd go on the machines in the bookmakers and for the next 6 months, I would win everyday. I'd spend about 2 hours on machines and always win at least £50 and I was that cocky to think that I didn't need a job as I could do this for the rest of my life. How wrong I was. I don't really believe in luck but there is something about the whole "beginners luck" thing which really does strike a chord.

Now there are a ton of different ways to gamble and a ton of things to actually gamble on. ANY sport you can gamble on. No matter what it is. In some cases you can bet in play which means that whilst the game is going on you can place a bet. This is very much open to corruption (one example is of the 3 Pakistani cricketers intentionally bowling no-balls which some idiot paid them to do and had put large amounts of money on for a no-ball to be bowled at a particular time).There's even virtual racing. If you were betting on horses and you couldn't wait for the next race then you can bet on a virtual race. One bookmakers has this every 5 minutes. Some would say, that's an easy way to lose money, but if you're a gambler, it is a way you COULD WIN money. I really do think that maybe everyone that starts gambling will at some point believe this. It's obviously not a good way to think.

Then there are the killer machines. These things can literally drive a person crazy because they are designed to take your money. I've seen people get so frustrated and angry at them. People have spat on them, punched, kicked them and once I even saw a guy square up to one and started screaming at it, shouting "Why are you doing this to me?" It's a machine. It has no feelings and emotions (like some people in one of my jobs) and if anything, when people are spitting, punching, kicking and screaming at machines, they really should be doing that to themselves. I'm seen people shouting at God and asking him why He doesn't let good things happen.

The machines in the bookies are made so the bookies can make crazy amounts of profit everyday. There's a reason why more and more bookmakers are opening everywhere. I know of about 20 within a 15 minute walk from my house. There are so many because they can afford to make a lot more as they are making so much profit.

The roulette machines are probably the most addictive thing that I and I think many other people have experienced. It is so easy to make money from them and at the same time so very easy to lose money and you of course lose a hell of a lot more than you win. There have been times when I have put money on one number, for it to come in and then I win money that easily. But that is just when the machine wants to pay out. There have been times where you could back every number apart from one and the machine will land on that number and maybe even double. I have seen this happen so many times.

I also cannot even believe that I haven't heard one person mention gambling throughout the whole of the recession.

The game of roulette in itself is sick. There are 37 numbers on a standard European wheel (this includes 0) but the odds work out as 35/1 not 36/1 as it should be. And whether your on a machine or at a real table, it is almost guaranteed that if you have a lot of money on a certain number, it will always hit the 2 numbers next to it a few times making you think "Ooh that was so close", when really it doesn't matter whether the ball landed on a number next to your main number or on the otherside of the board. It is still an eternity away from your number. This happens on machines nearly all the time but even on actual wheels. There is no logical explanation for this to happen on an actual wheel. But it really does and an example of this was an episode of Derren Brown where he got a member of the public to give him £5000 for him to "calculate" where the ball was going to land. Derren said it would land on the number 8 and where did it land instead? On the number 30 which is next door to 8. It could've been "miscalculated", done on purpose as some people thought at the time or it just happened to land next door. But if I was Derren, I myself would've done the show a bit differently and gone to a casino and claim:- "Watch me put some money on a number only for the ball to go next door to it". Like I said, no logical explanation, but this is what happens.

Anyway, my point is that uncontrolled gambling is an awful addiction. It's one that you can hide which makes it worse. It's not like cocaine or alcohol where you are actually physically and mentally harming yourself as people can see this when they look at you. You couldn't tell a gambling addict unless you looked at peoples' bank accounts. I am estimating that over the period of time I have gambled, I am probably around £10,000 worse off. As horrible, disgusting and sick as this sounds, it isn't that much money. When I say this, I mean that I am still living at home, I COULD save this money up in 2 years if I keep my jobs. I am way past the stage of "I am going to win my money back". I am now at the stage of doing Number 1, Number 10 and Number 19.

Number 29

I woke up this morning today thinking 2 things. One of them was how I seem to always let people get me down. As in disappoint me. I remember a few years ago when I girl who I was crazy about told me "that's what happens when you put me up on a pedestal, I am bound to disappoint you." At the time, I was like, "I don't do that." But I think subconsioucly I did and in someways I still do.

I do believe that you should treat people how you want to be treated, but sometimes, when you aren't being treated the way you think you should deserve being treated, it can kind of put a downer on how you see things.

Anyway, my mobile phone is being really weird as anytime someone texts me, I get the same message over the next few days about 10 times. So, I am thinking I might get a new mobile phone soon and when I do, use it as an excuse to text poeple my new number and make the effort with them, however, just storing people on my new phone who I think should deserve to go on it. I'm not going to have room for people I hardly ever speak to, that I haven't seen for ages or any exes. No point at all.

I was looking through my phone the other day thinking "why have I still got their number" to about 30 people in my phonebook. Doing number 29 on my list would mean I would have to talk to them when I probably really don't want to and am wondering why on earth did I bother with certain of these people in the first place??

So when I do number 29, I will be not putting half of these people in my new phone when I eventually get it and therefore be making an effort with only the people I want to make an effort with.

Number 8-Find a new job

Ok, the manager for that job phoned me a few days ago and asked me if I actually wanted it and I originally said no because of the zero hour contract and the fact that I can't cook. She then told me that she would give me a 40 hour contract and not to worry about the cooking thing as someone will be there with me so I decided to accept the job. Going to see how it goes as if it goes well, I can start to do a lot more things on my list. This could be a great start.

Number 27

Learning 30 new songs on my guitar is not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I don't just want to learn the guitar, I want to learn the lyrics too. I want to learn the whole song and then post all 30 of them on you tube. I am currently working on doing that and have learnt 4. To find out wchich ones, stay posted and I will eventually put a link on fowarding it to my videos. So far, I have learnt 3.

Step 1. A job interview

I had a job interview yesterday and going back to what I said before, I don't want to do things off the list just for the sake of it and although I really need a job, I'm not sure if I should take this one if I get offered it.

It's a night reception job at a hotel. 11pm-7am. Just above minimum wage, no extra money for ruining my social life or a whole change in sleep patterns. When I had the interview, one of the first questions the manager asked me was "can you cook?" My reply was "I thought it was a job for a night reception position. If I could cook, I would be a chef". She said it was a job requirement as was working the bar and cleaning too. Rather then "night receptionist" I wondered why the position wasn't titled "multifunctional dogsbody"

Now a job is a job. But it's a zero hour contract but a "guranteed" 40 hours a week. But of course I won't get sick pay or holiday pay. I think I will probably get offered it when she rings me in 3 days time. Though as of yet I am not sure if I am going to take it or not.

I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate myself. THE LIST.

The title says it all. I have been thinking about this for a long long time and have never really done anything to make things better for myself. I, like most other people, just plod along with the days just passing me by. I turned 29 just about 3 months ago.

So I decided to do a list of how to improve my life. They don't necessarily have to be big things. Some things that I really want to do, some things that I really need to do along with some things that I should've done a long time ago. Some of the things might seem really trivial but they are not. Also, a lot of the things are connected, i.e. I won't be able to do numbers 2, 13 14 and 15 if I don't do number 8. But that is one of the points to it. It is like a step by step process of things I can do to achieve the next thing. Or number 11 if I don't do number 6. Some might think, a few things can be done the next day i.e. Number 3. But I don't just wanna make rash desicions for the sake of doing the list. I purposely put number 13 and 14 in as a reward for myself for doing the list and again, I might not be able to do these if I don't do number 10. Here is the list:-

1. Pay at least £1500 of my debt off
2. Start to take driving lessons again
3. Get a tattoo
4. Write 5 amazing finished songs
5. Play somewhere live and play more often
6. Renew my passport
7. Register with a dentist
8. Find a better job
9. Sit up straight, no slouching
10. Don't lose too much of my income to gambling
11. Go abroad
12. Get a webcam and post some songs on You Tube
13. Buy a new guitar
14. Buy a Citizen Eco-drive watch
15. At least look to finally moving out
16. Get my violin fixed and start to learn it
17. Start a new story
18. Plant a tree-preferably a Maple tree
19. Start a savings account
20. Not being fazed when people shout abuse to me on the streets
21. Get some recordings of my own songs done
22. Go to watch Manchester United at Old Trafford
23. Start voluntary work for the NSPCC
24. Start to go to more gigs/concerts again
25. Sell something on Ebay
26. Learn to make an amazing Masala Dhosa (Indian dish)
27. Learn 30 new songs on my guitar
28. Get some written word published
29. Make an effort with every single person in my phonebook
30. Learn 5 monologues

I will be writing on here as much as I can and hopefully be updating my list throughout until 9th March 2012 when I reach 30. The 275 days start today.