Number 17. Start a new story.

The problem with myself is that I HATE most things that I do. I hate how I live, I hate how I never take the plunge, I hate how I can't tolerate most people in the world.

But most of all, I hate things I write. Not necessarily blog posts, but things like songs I write or any short stories.

I remember in college when everyone had to write a poem in iambic pentameter. We had a week and at first I kept writing and changing and rewriting and changing until it came to the actual day when we each had to read it out in class. I had nothing. So about ten minutes before the class started, I wrote one about the bad day I was having. I really didn't want to read it as I thought it was horrible-everyone loved it including the tutor.

When it comes to things like writing, I am a bit of a perfectionist although I know all writers, at least all GOOD writers would write and rewrite and rewrite again each and every line in a story. I do that myself but the only difference being that I am still never satisfied. "It isn't a great read" I would always find myself saying out loud.

So I would start something, thinking of an idea and being really up for it. Maybe be into it for a couple of weeks or so and then I would absolutely hate it and cringe at ever even having the idea for writing it in the first place. I once wrote a 48 page script. It took me about a month to write it and then I didn't work on it for a couple of weeks and when I went back to it, I realised how awful it was and that it needed so many changes. Too many changes. I decided to not bother with it at all and start something new. Only for then to do the same thing. I feel like all I need is a good idea and one line. Just one line to get me going. I don't know why. Most of the times, I would want people to read a story. A short one. That would maybe take half an hour. A full read in one sitting and for them to go "Woah." Imagine someone going to work on the bus and there being no newspapers available to read but hold on a minute, they have a short story in their bag. They could read that. And then it's the "Woah. That was amazing." thought that I want readers to have. Then on the way back from work, they choose to read it again-even when newspapers ARE available. They would get home and put in in a nice safe place ready to be read again some time soon. It was THAT good. So good that they have to tell someone about it. Then that other person could do the same. I want to write something like that. To write some THINGS like that.

I did write a completed one a few years ago. I showed it to a good few people who were friends. Some thought it was amazing, some didn't. Some didn't even read it so there was no hope there. If your own friends can't be bothered to read it then what hope have you got in getting other people to read it?

At first I thought that there was no hope.

But then after thinking about it, it doesn't mean to say that there is no hope just because some of my friends didn't bother reading it. Those friends who didn't read it are either idiots or people who just don't like reading things that aren't off a social networking site. It is fair enough. It is personal choice. The same with a person I knew who gave it to an editor who apparently hated it and slated it. At first I was feeling so down about it but again after thinking about it, it is just one editor-one person-one idiot who happened to not like it. Screw him/her. It doesn't mean to say that there aren't more people out there who won't like it.

And that right there is the inspiration.

Even if there is just ONE person out there in the world who thinks it is amazing, then that is enough. The masses don't matter. They never have to me.

So just starting a new story is not enough. I need to start a new story that leads into a completed story. Let the people decide if it is good-those who choose to read it. After all, how can someone have an opinion of something that doesn't even exist?

Focus on the things that I have done

Seeing as this blog is now 2 years old and I originally started it to make my life better by finally getting things done, a lot of my posts seem to be about the human mind and I seem to focus more on the things that I have NOT done rather than the few things that I HAVE done.

I know I originally did this blog to get all these things done before I turned 30 however I was nowhere near. And that is all I can focus on. How things are so hard. Difficult. All I seem to do is make excuses.

So now I am putting the list up with the things I have actually done (highlighted in red). Not many things. But better than nothing at all.

Pay at least £1500 of my debt off

Start to take driving lessons again

Get a tattoo

Write 5 amazing finished songs

Play somewhere live and play more often

Renew my passport

Register with a dentist

Find a better job

Sit up straight, no slouching

Don't lose too much of my income to gambling

Go abroad

Get a webcam and post some songs on You Tube

Buy a new guitar

Buy a Citizen Eco-drive watch

At least look to finally moving out

Get my violin fixed and start to learn it

Start a new story

Plant a tree-preferably a Maple tree

Start a savings account

Not being fazed when people shout abuse to me on the streets

Get some recordings of my own songs done

Go to watch Manchester United at Old Trafford

Start voluntary work for the NSPCC

Start to go to more gigs/concerts again

Sell something on Ebay

Learn to make an amazing Masala Dhosa (Indian dish)

Learn 30 new songs on my guitar

Get some written word published

Make an effort with every single person in my phonebook

Learn 5 monologues

Number 7. I registered with a dentist.

Believe it or not, I didn't realise that unemployed people like myself get free dental care. All this time I was wondering how I needed to get a job to pay to go and see a dentist and being worried about how much it would cost. When it cost me nothing.

I did a quick search on the internet for local dentists. I saw one near me, called them over the phone expecting to have to wait a few months before I could see one and that the waiting list would be huge. The receptionist said:-

"Can you come in tomorrow?"

And so I went. And then I went the next day too. And then the week after. After quite a bit of work, a filling here and there...and there too, they referred me to another dentist who will have to take a tooth out as it has damaged another tooth etc.

I hadn't been to the dentist for 15 years.

Number 7 is done.

Being 31

Well seeing as I didn't do most of the things on my list before I turned 30, what chance is there of doing them after turning 31? It can either go 2 ways. One being to really go for it and knuckle down and try and do all of them no matter what or the other way can just be to excuses to wait to do them and unfortunately I have done the latter.

I find myself out of a job and things are pretty difficult. I moved away for a while and tried my hand in managing a hotel. It would have been amazing, however the owners were utterly repulsive so I left.

So what now? What does society tell me to do? Force me to do? Am I supposed to have had kids by now? Married? A car? A mortgage? I have none of these things. Does that make me a failure?

Why is it so difficult to get the ball rolling? Why do so many people seem to live life so normally and why is it that they seem to have things falling into place? Why is it that I try so hard to do the right thing, to make something of myself, to be a better person and yet I seem to always end up in the same place.

My father passed away a couple of months ago. Life is too short.

And yet I still can't seem to do anything.

This year has gone by so fast!

It seems crazy that about 18 months ago I made a list of 30 things to to before I was 30. I am 31 in a week!! Not much has changed. DAMN IT NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED.

I just keep procrastinating for some unknown reason. I am never too sure what to actually do. I have done a few things on the list but it became really insignificant. So much so that I haven't posted on here in ages and thought to myself "what is the point in NOT doing something?" I mean, why do people not make their lives better. Why do people choose to just moan about things in their lives and not make things better?

It's like the millions/billions of people around the world who do the lottery-waiting for something that is very highly unlikely to happen, yet always feel slightly disappointed when it actually doesn't happen. Some of those people will blame the fact that their lives can't get better if they don't win the lottery. If they win, they could quit work, buy a bigger house, a better car go on countless holidays and will feel good about themselves. Is this the right way to go? No, unfortunately, it is the only way to go.

Most of the things on my list does require money which means I need to get a job. I have lost 3 jobs in the last 12 months which is just insane considering for most of my life I have worked 2 jobs. Now I haven hardly done things on my list which I should have done ages ago which still need to be done and I need to make my life better. If I can just get a job. That is all I need again to get the ball rolling. First and foremost I need to get a job. I used to take getting work for granted but we live in a different world then 5 years ago. I will keep updating this blog more now.

The new year but the same old shit

This was written last year on the 31st of December 2011 at 11:54pm on my main blog whilst I was in the first hour of my night shift working in a hotel before the shit happened. You have to copy and paste:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/getting-ready-for-new-year.html

The shift was the worst shift in any job I've ever had in my life. Just me and one other person, 450 people in the hotel, half of them gypsies who caused riots in the hotel, the police coming, not doing anything then leaving, fighting in the corridors, people complaining, my bitch of a goblin manager (regular readers would have read about this bitch in previous posts) celebrating her new year after giving herself the night off and only putting 2 members on shift on this particular night when it was full, more fighting in the corridors, the other receptionist constantly vomiting because of all the stress, actually fearing for our lives at a good few points, people coming in the morning shift not knowing what happened, explaining it to them in a duty manager report which is normally half a page but after that night was 8 pages long.

I don't work there anymore.
I have lost 3 jobs in 2012 when the world didn't even end. I was so hoping it would.
I keep ending back at square one. I feel like I am supposed to do something. Like there is a reason that I keep ending back in the same place. Like I am supposed to do something. But what?
The list of things I compiled which I am still very slowly going through? Is that what I have to do before I can finally start moving forward in life? 

Recap

I started this blog a hell of a long time ago hoping to achieve things that a lot of people including myself would see as being quite simple things. It's not as if my list had things such like "climb Mount Everest in an 8 hours and 9 minutes (the fastest time it has been climbed in supposed to be 8 hours and 10 minutes. Or "swim across the Atlantic" (I can't even swim) or get a pet spider (I HATE spiders). Or get a girlfriend (nobody remotely decent likes me and with good reason too).

These are things that are pretty much impossible things for me to do. To accomplish.

The whole point of The List was simply to make my life better. Make me happy. Why do I find it so hard to make myself happy? Why did I do this list 15 months ago in a DESPERATE attempt to feel like I needed some meaning in life and then when it comes down to actually doing things to make my life better. I don't seem to want to? Do I want to be sad forever?? Fuck knows, maybe I do. Either I will make some changes or I will keep working at it and finding new ways to fuck myself over.